Q - Dear Annabelle, I feel really awkward writing for advice but at this point, I don't know what to do. I am really confused. You see, two summers ago, I was a typical 16 year old with a new crush every few weeks but I guess somehow, I always believed that if I met THE guy I would know. And it happened maybe three days before my sweet sixteen that I happened to meet "J", ( 2 years older), by chance. We were briefly introduced and spoke for not even five minutes downtown..but somehow, I felt like he was walking into my life even though it wasn't based on physical attraction at all. A week later, the day after my sweet sixteen, by chance, we were both waiting at the same spot for friends and we started talking. We discovered how much we had in common. Since we were both stood up by our friends, we walked to the Eaton Center together and sat down on the benches and talked till 9:00 when the mall closed. After that, I got his number from a friend of his and we kept in touch over the phone though it ! was always I who called him, he never called me as I had very strict parents who would flip out if a guy called. Though we never really made plans to hang out, we would constantly run into each other downtown, since he and I both worked nearby. One time, he was with " the guys" and I ran into them on my way back from work. He and his friends were talking and goofing around but the second I left for a few minutes, he panicked and asked me where I was going..almost as if he was scared that I was leaving. I met him a month later at a club and we stood by each other the whole night even though we had different circles of friends. And that night in September 1996 was the last time I saw him. We kept in touch over the phone and we were very close. But we never admitted to any feelings for each other. There was even a point when I described my dream guy to him and he said " you know, that guy could be right in front of you and you wouldn't know it". Then, a few months later, he left the city and told me he'd write..but I told him not to because of my parents. He told me that he would somehow find a way to reach me when ha came back in August. So, one day, in August, I decided to see if he was back and he was so we talked on the phone again but not as frequently as we used to. You see, when he left, he also went overseas to India and his sister got married, and he almost did too, ( arranged, of course). And he would constantly tell me about how great the girls back home were and that I should think about getting married soon too, to someone from there. And soon, his life changed dramatically as his father suddenly passed and he was left with a great responsibility of the family. I called him to give him and his mother my regards and then, once more to see how he was doing and after that, his line got disconnected and I was under the impression that he and his mother moved back to India. That was September 97, a year since I had last seen him. And then,! one night in March 98, I was at a show and my one of my smoker friends asked me to find her a cigarette since I was very outgoing. So, I went to a group of guys and asked them for a smoke, only to realize that one of the guys never took his eyes off me, even when I went to my friends. And that's when I realized who it was but I still ignored him. And as I brushed by him in the crowd, he suddenly grabbed my arm and started scolding me in Punjabi about smoking. And since I was so surprised to see him, we had very small talk and he didn't give me his number. Later on at the show, I was with my friends and he was in the crowd talking to someone but I felt him staring at me. We never got a chance to say goodbye after the show, even though I was talking to his friends. And though he was talking to his friend, whenever I said something, he would turn his attention to me, which was almost rude to his friend. Since I knew which college he went to, I visited one day and happened to find him and he just stood there shocked..and all he could say was ," I canāt believe you're here", almost like he was in a daze..it was so sweet, I had a strand of hair out of place and he put his hands through my hair to fix it and just said " I don't know where I am anymore, I felt like I was in the wrong place when I saw you here. I canāt believe your here", but the moment was interrupted as he had a class. I saw him two weeks later when i went back to his college for some business, ( I was handling an intercollegiate show), and this time, he made me promise to meet him after his class..I was watching a dance rehearsal and I, suddenly, remembered that it was time to meet him but I didn't know my way around the college. A guy at the dance rehearsal offered to show me the way. It turned out that "J" was very good friends with the guy. And every Tuesday, I would come back to his college to see the rehearsals for my show, and I would see him too, and his friend. As I was becoming closer to his friend, I confided in him how I felt about "j" and the first thing he said was " good luck" until he really gave it some thought and admitted that though I was not the type of girl that "J" was into, he did treat me differently, almost special. And as days went on, he kept telling me what "J" said about me when I wasn't around..for example, one time, his friend brought up my name "J" gave him a weird look, almost possessive and jealous. Another time, they were talking about my show and "J" was telling about how he booed someone off stage at the last show..and he told me once that if I was no good on stage, he would do the same to me...so his friend asked him " will you really boo Sammi off stage" and he replied that he would boo everyone at the show, even the good acts, before he would ever put me down. Just before my show, he called and asked for tickets and we agreed to meet up downtown for the tickets. He was already 15 minutes late and since I had a cellular, he called me and! told me that the subway had broken down and he was going to walk all the way,.but I agreed to meet him halfway. When I got to the halfway point, he wasn't there so I went to a store. Then, he called me again and told me he was there but that I wasn't. So I went back and he still wasn't there, and as I was standing there, I realized that this was where we first met almost 2 years ago. And just as I stepped into the exact spot where we met, I heard a voice behind me, " you're going the wrong way" , ( that was his line that he always used with me, an inside joke/thing between the 2 of us). He insisted that his feet were tired and he wanted to sit down..but no, not in the chic cafe next to us, rather, we walked for ten minutes before coming to Eaton Center where he took me to the same bench that we sat on THAT day almost 2 years ago. A few days later, at my show, he sat with me through intermission, met my younger brother, ( enthusiastically), and when I was walking through the audience, he was staring at me again, but this time, I smiled back and he quickly looked away. But I still felt his eyes on me all night. I'm really confused. Even before he went away, when I would try to find out how he felt about me, he would make it clear that we were JUST FRIENDS but then, he would make sweet comments and stare at me too. And I know that he doesn't date girls because its against our religion. in fact, I was his closest female friend, and he would always tell me that he could only fall in love with a friend. I know that he's not in love with anyone else but I also know that he's going through a hard time as it has only been 10 months since his father's passing and that he's really depressed right now. I haven't seen him for 2 months and I phoned him almost 2 months ago..and since his mother's really strict now and very upset, he got in trouble..I called him back a month later and this time, tries to fake a guy's voice but that didn't work either and he got in trouble. He hasn't called me since then and now, I have my own line so he need not worry about my parents. I wrote above of all the times I spent with him, of all the signals he sent me and I assure you that none of them are a figment of my imagination. Perhaps he won't admit his feelings because he's afraid to get close, or maybe its because I'm from a rich family and he's from the other side of town where my parents would never accept him, or maybe its because he feels traditionally and that only arranged marriages work out. Finally, the one thing I will never forget, was the time I gave him a letter of support, 8 months after his father died. A few weeks later, we were on the subway and we were talking about friendship and he told me of how many people simply paid their respects when his father passed and then there were others who really stood by him. I asked him then if he thought that I wrote the letter simply out of respect and he paused..and then said " No... I know why you wrote that letter.." and when he saw my startled expression, he quickly said " no, no, its not a bad thing...its a good thing.! ..a very good thing...and I want you to know that I acknowledge it and I appreciate it.." I never did get a chance to ask him what he meant by that as it was his subway stop and we never brought that topic up again. What I also remember in our conversation that day about friendship was that he somehow brought up the topic of soul mates, which had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation, so I ignored it and changed the subject. I know that form the first day we met, I felt something and I know that he felt it too...and we are both not the type to date unless we met THE person. But I know now that as far as culture goes, I'm 18 and the topic of arranged marriage is coming up now for me and he's 21, so he's also in the same predicament. I also know that this is not a crush or any childish feeling but rather something deep. I want to do something, but I canāt call him or reach his friends and I want to say something before its too late, but at the same time, I don't want to make a fool out of myself. The main underlying question is why is he acting like that..by giving me signals one day and then making it clear that we're only friends? He stares at me and treats me so well. When we met one time and he gave me the usual ĪMontreal handshakeā, he let his hand linger on mine for a while yet we both know that in our religion, we canāt even touch each other before marriage. He confuses me and I'm not ready to move on with my life because I feel so strongly for him and I'm really not sure how he feels about me. A - Dear Sami, He very likely feels you talk a great deal, live in your mind, and donāt really seem have an awareness of the Īreal worldā existence of anyone else.............! Your account of all this is very well-written.....too well-written. Romantic stories are like that. Life is not. You must have chosen to ignore many facts. You seem to be a bright, probably quite well-read, young lady who lives too much in her own fantasies. Re-read your letter and see how often you appear to believe you know his thoughts. You believe you do, but you really donāt. He has told you many times you are his friend, no more. He seems to deal with reality. You must learn to do so. If you are not willing to abide by the ethos of your culture, you must leave it, with all the pain to yourself and others that will entail. Otherwise, you will never be happy unless you accept who you are. Much good fortune to you.........and now, slow down a bit. - Annabelle