Q - Dear Annabelle, I have two questions, the first is no where near as important as the second. 1) I am interested in pursuing a PhD in Psychology and was wondering what kind of jobs there are for that degree and I know that's off topic but I figure you would know best considering your credentials. 2) I have been going out with my boyfriend since Prom last May ('98) and we've been best friends since about first grade. We decided to try going out and see what happened. Well, one thing that happened was this summer we were drinking and came very close to sex. Later, after getting that close to it we decided the best thing for us to do would be to start having sex.. This was fine until around the time when school started this Fall. I wanted to slow down or preferably stop but he claimed that as an adolescent boy he can't stop having sex after having it at least once or it is physically damaging. He also got upset and said I owed it to him. Well, I still didn't want it but he forced ! me into having sex with him anyway and so it has been for about 4 months now. He says he loves me and isn't a mean vicious person or anything so he could never rape me, but when we have sex he holds me down and pins my arms above my head and I can't even move. What should I do? I love him but I feel more distant from him now even though we are having sex than before we even went out. I don't want to lose a friend after a decade of trusting each other but I feel used. I don't know what to do. A - Dear Melinda, Iād like to share something with you....unless the incoming letter is VERY important, I (usually) never take it out of arriving order, and, right now, I have 400+ unanswered letters to attend to. THIS letter, because of your situation, is VERY important. You stop having sex with him RIGHT NOW! We wonāt even go into whether or not his brains have fallen out...donāt you EVER let someone treat you this way. Iām very sorry to hear that your friend from first grade would use you so! Sex is not to be trivialized and, if you start distancing yourself just to Īget throughā what he is doing to you, youāll have problems youāll REALLY have to work on. Look, you have to protect yourself..and part of that protection is establishing firm boundaries. Whether or not he may later regret what heās doing/has done to you, we donāt know. He may actually be a sociopath and lack either empathy or a conscience. That happens. YOU just say, Īnoā........and that old line about Īan adolescent boy can't stop having sex after having it at least once, or it is physically damagingā is a CROCK. If heās under that much pressure, tell him to go spend some quiet time in the bathroom. For goodness sakes...I wish someone would put out a book for teenagers with all these OLD lines in it! Yikes! Now, about Ībecoming a PhD in psychologyā. There are all manner of jobs available. When I was in high school the, (supposed), statistics were that Īone in every 10 people would, in their lifetime, need therapeutic helpā. (I thought that THAT was an amazing figure).....and how people think and interact has fascinated me since childhood. Now that things are so stressful in our world, and people have gotten so careless in their thinking processes, good psychological help is almost a necessity. Think for a moment, we take our bodies to the gym, or clothes to the cleaners and our cars to the mechanic. Wouldnāt it make just awfully good sense to take our thinking processes in for an occasional Ītune-upā? ...Especially considering that MOST of our Īdecision makingā patterns were set down before we were two! You see, we didnāt Īthinkā our way INTO the Īproblemā and we cannot Īthinkā our way OUT......thatās why Īself-helpā books are of almost no value. I took the precaution of getting the degree as a sort of Īfall backā position in case I couldnāt pursue another field about which I am passionate. Getting the PhD takes about 6+ years.....a TON of work, a bunch of tests, orals and stuff, writing until you canāt see or think anymore,.... and then thereās 3000 hours of clinical work under supervision. Itās quite thrilling and fabulously involving, if occasionally depressing, (and amazingly worthwhile.) I donāt know what arena YOU might pursue, Iām sort of making it up as I go along and would like to have the ĪAnnabelleā letters act as a translation between the Īreally big words and structured conceptsā of the psychoanalytic profession and Īreal speakā of the everyday world. If thatās the field that you pursue you will find yourself profoundly changed in the process. Itās really quite wonderful....meanwhile, start by protecting your Īselfā and taking back your power. YOU think he is your friend. Well, Īfriendsā donāt treat each other badly, do they?........and they most certainly donāt use each other. Oh, and, Melinda......quit drinking..it's a disinhibitor. - Annabelle Q - Dear Annabelle, I am so so sorry to bother you again, you must be totally busy but I need to say something....Bill is a sweetheart and usually listens to me but not about sex. I do say Īnoā, I always say Īnoā and he does what he wants anyway. That's the scariest part, I never really know what he's going to do but there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't know when I became so weak, I feel so helpless, he does whatever he wants with me and I can't stop him from hurting me... He was in Puerto Rico over Christmas with his family and, before they left, he and I went out the night before. He said he Īhad a surprise for meā and that I'd Īlikeā it. It turns out he had rented a hotel room and he wanted to tie me down and blindfold me saying it was Ībetter for me that wayā because I could Īfeel the actual passion more than when other senses are usedā. I resisted but he did everything anyway. I have never been more scared in my life, but he was right that I remember it. I want to stop this, its getting painful for me but he just doesn't listen and I am afraid of losing one of the best friends I have ever had. I am so confused still, bu,t never mind, I shouldn't bother you. If you ever have time though, could you please respond to this? A - Dear Melinda, I understand that you donāt want to Īlose his friendshipā.....but you have a more serious decision to make. Do you want to lose your integrity? You have said, very clearly, that you donāt like this. Now, either you mean this, or you donāt. THIS is not a Īdreamā, Melinda, itās really happening and YOU are being changed by continuing to do what you SAY you donāt like. Sexual fetishism is a long, slippery, (you should excuse the pun), slope. You are going to be increasingly desensitized to what sex is and CAN be if you allow yourself to be your Īfriendāsā sex toy. Look, in this world there are a wide variety of sexual practices........many of them seriously, to many people, Īyukkyā. Now your Īfriendā has gotten it into HIS head that he wants to behave in a certain way......and, unless you think you can never find another guy and THIS guy is the ONLY one for you, then YOU are going to be pulled ever further down the road toward what is called Īalternative sexā. Sex, at its simplest and most basic, is for procreation. Humans quickly discovered that its pleasure-producing aspects made it one heck of a great recreational past time. However, when early imprinting became crossed with sensation seeking and mixed up with Īstuffā in peopleās minds, sex began to take on a long continuum of behaviors in search of satisfaction. Desensitization sets in when the pursuit of ever more elaborate ritualistic behaviors supplants the simple stimulus-effect of the original model. Thatās a really confusing way of saying that....you, Melinda, are going down a road that may not serve you well. (For what itās worth, this is how many hookers have started out). Take a look where this is leading......(remember, in my never-to-be-humble-opinion, your being sexually active at 17 is a REALLY bad idea.) This is the age where you are SUPPOSED to be nailing down a good education and NOT by being distracted by lab work in biology. At this rate you are going to bypass what will serve you well in later life, and your Īblueprints for your futureā are going to contain whips and leathers and not the ability to make the intellectual, and financial, best of whatever opportunities come your, and your CHILDRENāS, way. This may sound Īfunā to you right now, but, by the time youāre 25, when youāre in a more appropriate stage for considering a suitable marriage partner, youāre going to have created a Īyouā that you may regret having done. You are beginning to acquire salable skills in an arena that you may wish to rethink........ Either youāre putting me on or you need to tell your folks....and take the consequences. If you truly donāt want to do this....you must STOP. Stay AWAY from this guy...Melinda, HE doesnāt care about YOU in the same way you care about him. Heās USING you! (Look, I had a friend at UCLA who pinned me against a wall at his frat house one evening.....I was shocked, and broken hearted.....weād been friends for years. I knew it was Īnothing personalā, he did it BECAUSE we were friends....he figured Iād Ītake itā. I think I wanted to cry about it but didnāt. I suddenly knew what I was worth to him......so I felt bad for awhile about the Īloss of the friendshipā and then went on with my life.....and have never regretted it.) The unfortunate thing is, that, at 17, YOU donāt have the maturational context to make an informed decision and you may be stuck in adolescent rebellion. Well, that Īrebellionā is going to take a prisoner all right...and the Īprisonerā is going to be YOU. Really good sex is relatively simple. When it is shared in a bond of mutual love and commitment, preferably in the context of a marital relationship, it is absolutely amazing. I believe that itās Godās gift to us for being human....but, hey, Iām just Īone of the grownupsā...what the heck do I know anyway? Take care, Melinda, with, not only your body, but with your mind. You donāt want to end up with callouses on our heart because you didnāt have the courage to protect yourself. I just realized something, I didnāt answer your initial question. Yes, it IS rape. Now, ......just where did your parents think you were when you were out all night? - Annabelle