Q - Dear Annabelle, I have just broken up with my boyfriend of 11 months. He has a lot of problems, and he has to work them. I love him a lot, and he has to make a decision about what he wants to do. I've told him that I love him and that he has to weigh all the consequences. Please give me some advice, I am willing to work at it, because I really think he'll be worth it in the long run. A - Dear Sarah, Letās do the math here.........youāve been with this fellow since you were 14 and for a 15 year old that seems a HUGE amount of time. The period of life in which you both find yourselves, adolescence, is very specifically a period of enormous growth, (and pain), and, if you Īattachā yourselves to each other instead of becoming separate individuals, what happens is that youāre neatly avoiding the very, very painful process of separating, not only from your families but from the Īclusterā of people in which you grew up. Separation is scary and painful, especially at a time when your hormones are running wild. (Believe me, Iāve ALWAYS thought this Īadolescentā process was one of Mother Natureās dirty tricks), but it is a very important process in the adventure of life......if you do it right you get to be a mature grownup.......if you avoid its Īlessonsā, you will Īarrestā at this stage and grow up without Īmaturingā...not at all a desirable result. Young ladies DO Īfall in loveā at this age, and so do young gentlemen. Itās just that Īloveā at this age has no real context or stability....especially when everything is in flux....as it must be for you all to grow into mature adults. (Yes, I know that sounds deadly dull). Think of a butterfly breaking free from a chrysalis or a baby bird breaking free of the egg. Both processes involve great struggle.....if they donāt make it, they will suffocate and die, and if they are helped by someone breaking the shell for them, they will not have developed the strength, (through the very struggle of breaking free), to survive. Sarah, I know it seems a lovely idea if everything is just all sweet and lovely and that your nurturing support will help this young man be just who you see in your romantic dreams. ĪRomantic dreamsā are what make up the wonderful romance novels and romantic movies.......these are the fictions of our desires. Now, lets just say that you want to take all my words as those of an old fuddy-duddy who couldnāt really know what she is talking about and who hasnāt a clue. OK, I accept your thought on this. Now, assuming that that is the case, IF your relationship is Īdestined to beā it will still be viable in two years. Now, that seems a very long time for a 15 year-old, I know. Just remember that life is VERRRRY long and the intensity of our emotions can cause mischief. Part of growing up (yeah, I know it can sound borrrrrring), is learning to delay gratification.......and that means learning to take the Īlong viewā. Iām going to quit talking now and let you do some thinking about all this stuff. All of this is Īpracticeā for a few years from now. Youāll live through it, just remember, your Ījobā at this stage is to learn how to be a whole person. That means a young woman with, not only a good education, but one who sees how you Īfitā in with everyone else......itās hard taking a mature look at a situation when your feelings are so intensely involved. - Annabelle