Q - Dear Annabelle, I've been having a few problems with myself and my friends. I am so scared about my future. I'm a straight ĪAā student, and I'm constantly busy doing wonderful things for myself and my community, but, for some reason I seem to always feel like I'm not good enough. I'm never at peace with myself, and I'm constantly worrying that I won't meet the requirements for college or that my life in the future will not be successful. I need some way or reassuring myself that I am okay being me and the things that I'm doing will be just fine. In the back of my head, I know that I'll get into college and I can do pretty much whatever I desire career wise, but for some reason I'm always worrying. How can I beat this stress? And also-with my friends, I am constantly feeling betrayed by them. They are always talking about me behind my back or hurting me in some way. I am always upset with one of them. How can I put each of them in a place where I can understand what to expect from them. I understand that they're not all the same, but how do i figure out who my real friends truly are. I need some type of system to make life easier on myself. To know who I can trust with what things so that I'm not always disappointed when things don't work out like I planned. Well thank your for your time. A - Dear Kristin, Ohhhh.....I understand. Letās take a look at things. Believe it or not, youāre Īfearā of not being Īperfectā comes from a, (very real), fear that, Īif you donāt do everything JUST right, something AWFUL will happenā. Itās a form of Īritualistic magicā. Let me ask one question here: Do you have, in your extended family, depressed people or people who are excessively neat and tidy or who seem to need to be perfect? If you do, you might want to have your parents have you tested by a good psychologist. These things ARE manageable even if theyāre of a genetic or chemical origin. Now, if Īhow you areā is a result of beliefs youāve acquired in your fifteen years here on earth, then, lets take a look at how this is for you. We already know that you have the talent and abilities to get good grades.....what would be useful would be to develop more fully your enthusiastic enjoyment of the delight of being human. (Go, read the ĪRules for Being Humanā....link on first page). You see, we ALL make misteakes..(!) ; ) ......whatās useful is the awareness that, EVERYONE makes mistakes and our ATTITUDE about ourselves is what carries the day. (As an aside, I was once in a Very Important International Contest and, in walking down the aisle in front of gazillions of people, the heel of my right shoe became caught in a crack.....the shoe came off, and you could hear the crowd gasp. Thank heaven I had the presence of mind to........smile broadly, shrug, pick up the shoe, put it back on, wave and continue as if, why that was SUPPOSED to happen! Heaven only knows why, but, in my early 20ās Iād already figured out that almost everything can be taken with a grain of salt and putting a positive spin on something is often a much better choice than any other emotion...for one thing, it confuses people who would do you ill, relieves those who would wish you well...and creates a good deal of relief for everyone. (At another time it also, literally, saved me from an untimely death.......(most deaths are, you know)........but thatās another story). Now, as you said earlier, you are very concerned how everyone else sees you.....remember, we already know that youāre very intelligent.......now, how easily do you smile? How interested are you in others? (Not the kind of interest that seeks their approval, but the kind of interest that shows that you TRULY find them fascinating?) You speak of your concerns about your friends...ārealā friends show their friendship by their actions. They donāt gossip...at all...and they keep their word to you. If they have said they will do something...they follow through. In life, lots of people are Īfalseā friends, (saying one thing and doing another). It just could be that youāre ever so much brighter than they, that these years in high school are going to be a trial for you......you have components to you that they will never have and they may be jealous. Again, this is where that Ītaking things with a grain of saltā comes in. Your very abilities may be making them uncomfortable and, to quiet their unease about your seeming to be so much more accomplished than they, they act in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. While no one has control over your emotions, the high school years are the years that FEW IF ANY grownups would EVER want to repeat. The pain is so everlastingly great that, to this day, overwhelming, mostly negative, emotion comes to mind whenever someone asks anyone Īwould you EVER be a teenager and in high school again? Here YOU are, body growing, hormones kicking in, wishing you could be Ījust like everyone else and happyā.......and you donāt quite Īfit inā. Not only that, but they seem to be talking about YOU! Thatās an awful feeling, and I certainly empathize with your angst here. The fear that you feel about Īnot being good enoughā is actually covering up for something else.....and I have no idea what that would be. I donāt know what your parentās financial situation is or how amenable you are to therapy, but a few sessions with a good therapist who specializes in these issues might help you to sort out your thoughts. It will do no good for me to tell you that you have all the earmarks of a successful student.....your concerns are very real. What the genesis is or what they may be masking, without further information, I couldnāt even begin to guess. You may have to do what lots, (and lots), of young people before you have had to do.....just Īgut it throughā the high school years with a quick wit and a ready smile, while secretly knowing that Īone day YOUR turn will comeā...and it will. Still, Iād feel more comfortable if you could sit down with that good therapist and talk through some of these issues. There are an awful lot of grownups in the world who, having the same abilities as you, would have been a great deal happier with their lives if theyād spent a little time with a therapist while they were still young enough to be flexible in their personality development. Iām going to give you a, (very), small Īprescriptionā.....Rx for Kristin: Find any GOOD book of daily affirmations..perhaps a calendar of them.....and use one each day as a sort of Īmantraā...something you repeat over and over whenever you find yourself beginning to feel anxious. Replacing one thought, (a negative one), with another thought, (a positive one), works wonders. AND..itās a great habit to get into...anyway! Much good luck to you....keep in touch. - Annabelle