Q - Dear Annabelle, I feel really weird asking a person that I don't know about my problems, but I don't know what else to do. Just for you to know, I'm 15. I have been seeing this guy for almost ten months. He's my first boyfriend and I didn't know how to act with him. To begin with our relationship was wonderful. It was always just him and I and no one else. I lost touch with a lot of my friends because I spent all my time with him (This explains why I'm writing to you). My relationship with my parents suffered and I let opportunities pass so I could spend more time with him. Not long ago I realized how wrong I was to get so dependent on him for my every need. When I tried to get more space I found he was unwilling to let me go, even a little bit. Now I'm not saying he is controlling or cruel, but he loves me very much and couldn't stand loosening his grip. I just haven't been very happy in the relationship since my little realization. I have tried to tell him what my new needs are, but he can't handle it. I guess I should have mentioned that he is an incredibly emotional guy and is more sensitive than I am. He also has health problems. He has severe asthma passed down to him by his deceased mother who died from an asthma attack. When he gets upset, he has serious problems with his asthma. I care for him so much and I don't want to hurt him at all. I don't know how to tell him that I need space without causing serious damage. I find myself lying to him about having a lot of homework or being tired, just so I could have ten minutes to myself. I'm feeling really smothered and I'm afraid that I'll snap and say things that I'll really regret. I don't want to lose him. What should I do? A - Dear Sharon, You are a very wise and perceptive young lady to, not only be able to realize that you made an inappropriate choice, but were also able to articulate your error. Now, Iām going to attach Īthe warning signs of a potential battererā..not all of the things will apply to your situation, but some will and all of them are things of which you want to be aware. Iād like to dispel your concerns about his Īhealthā situation. Sandra, in life everyone has things to contend with. Some have greater challenges than others..however he is NOT his condition, and for him to USE his asthma as a fall back position to rule you or to increase your concern for him is manipulative, wrong and....WEAK. Often people will learn to wield whatever they can, often in the form of a real or perceived disability, to further their own aims. Donāt ever allow anyone to control you this way. Asthma, especially, has interesting psychological components and Iād give this guy a very wide berth...soon. Tell your folks, consider a restraining order if he wonāt leave you alone and get the heck away from him. You do him no good to reinforce his growing manipulation..he has to deal with his own life and, a youngster who is playing this game the way heās playing it is no one that you want to have anything to do with. Always enlist the help of your folks. I know that, when youāre an adolescent, it can seem as if youāve got a handle on things and the Īold folksā are just fuddy duddiies. I suppose, sometimes, that might be true but Iāll bet that, in your case, your folks love you very much and are not only willing, but very desirous of, working with you to answer questions you may have about being on the path that each of them had to take not too many years ago. (Remember, in life we all have a road map, it just reads backwards).....and wise people have the Īsmartsā to ask those further down the path just what the trail just what things might be ON that path. Now, you are asking me about whether or not you have the right to YOU. Of course you do, and those rights are called Īboundariesā. Boundaries just mean that you have the right to your own space. You have the right to say Īyesā when you mean Īyesā, and Īnoā when you mean Īnoā....and to have that boundary respected. YOU belong to YOU. You have *limits*...and you can disallow anyone crossing over those limits. This fellow has learned to anneal himself to whomever will have him..thatās bad for him, but thatās not your problem. That HE is attempting to use his Īillnessā as a means of controlling you is something for you to learn from. In your life, you will meet many people who attempt to do this. Youāre learning this lesson at a relatively young age.....and thatās good for you. Set limits for this fellow and go on to expand your life in other directions. For what my never-to-be-humble-opinion is worth, it would be best if you could disentangle yourself from this fellow all together. It felt good to have him think you were special and to want to spend every waking moment with you. Now you know how that constricted your life, you know better. Thatās the wonderful thing about adolescence...you have so very many chances to Īknow betterā! You say that you Īdonāt want to lose himā. Well, you wonāt but you need to be aware of all this youāve just read. Youāll do fine. - Annabelle