Q - Dear Annabelle, So I'm 16 years old.. I've had one girlfriend this year, a senior, (I'm a soph) and that's it. Haven't gone to any dances at my school. I feel a little bit uncomfortable sometimes in group situations, or when guys on the swim team rip on me (we all do to each other) in front of the girls. I'm not incredibly muscular, but have a really lean, strong body, and am very intelligent. I'm also a very talented athlete. You'd think I'd be a great catch. Sometimes I have a hard time meeting girls, and I tend to not know how to approach situations when I am attracted to a girl. There are lots of girls I know, but it seems that the ones who like me are never the type of girl I'm interested in. Or I'm always in conflict with those girls that I like. I've at times been semi-addicted to Internet games and the like. So that's kind of the first question in this rambling diatribe: Why might I have problems entering into relationships, and what is it that girls might want that I don't have? Whenever I get a girl alone, we seem to do pretty well, which leads into the second, more specific, question... Twice now, with girls I don't know very well, I have been talking on the phone... when the conversation leads to sex, I get quite interested. (Here's a bit of background: I've made a conscious decision to remain a virgin until I'm married.. twice now, I've had to try really really hard to stick with that.) Both times, I have semi-steered the conversation to the point where we are both masturbating and talking over the phone. Afterwards, I feel horrible.. I know I don't really want to talk to them much anymore, but I also feel horrible as if I've "used" them, though I know they had a better time than I did. So, I'm wondering also how this reflects back on my current situation. If you could please respond with haste, it would be kindly appreciated. Thank you. A - Dear Grant, I do apologize being so long in answering, the mail backup is enormous. You are developing a problem here and it would be a really good idea to stop the internet phone sex stuff and find another way to work off your energy. You arenât the first guy to have these feelings, but if you keep on the way youâre going youâre going to have what will amount to a well entrenched paired association that you may not be able to break later in life. Now, that you think about sex 25 hours a day, is perfectly normal. Iâm very serious about other activities..and I DO mean activities, like baseball, tennis, football, .....any very vigorous sport. I know that the old joke about Îcold showersâ has always sounded silly, but this is just something that adolescents have to go through and, since youâve opted for the high moral ground, (congratulations), the follow-through is to not get yourself on a track that is going to be virtually hard wired into your brain......and soon. What is happening is that youâre getting yourself into an Îalpha stateâ and then pouring in stuff on the pleasure level thatâs landing squarely in the limbic system and on the septal area of the brain. Trust me when I tell you that you can carry a dysfunction into your adult life and not be able to perform sexually without some vestige of what youâre doing now being a necessary added attraction. While there is no way of knowing if this would be the case, the patients that I have seen with adult dysfunctions almost, without exception, report adolescent behavior very similar to yours and they certainly didnât, at the time, think that there could later be a problem. Now, that you are awkward with girls, is also age appropriate. Youâre evidently attractive, and a jock, so just treat the whole thing for the next few years as a learning experience.....much as if you had an assignment in a laboratory. Essentially, that is exactly what youâve got, and itâs in the laboratory of life. You seem to have the good sense not to rush things so, whenver you interact with girls, just notice what seems to work and what seems to need a little tweaking. Watch the other fellows, though, since you may have a different goal in mind, your approach may be different as well. You sound like a jewel of a guy and Iâd bet that youâre going to do very well over the years. One way to interest a girl is to ask her to help you with a particular subject or to study with you. You can also complement a girl on something that sheâs wearing or on how pretty her hair is that day. Making personal comments to someone is not something that youâd do as an adult, but the rules of etiquette are a little looser in the adolescent years...especially because everyone seems to need all the reassurance they can get. I mean, you canât very well say, ÎLinda, how nice that your zits are gone todayâ, whereas, you CAN say, ÎLinda your hair looks greatâ. Anyway, itâs my guess that youâll be fine. You were wise to ask the question you did. I know you had no idea how problematic that could be in later years. - Annabelle