Q - Dear Annabelle, I have been with my girlfriend only since the beginning of November, but things seem much different with her. I seem much more close to her than any other girlfriend I have ever had, even one where the relationship lasted three times as long. I feel that we understand each other and get along so much better than with anyone else I have ever been with. One important thing about this is that I always put in 110 % into the relationship to be the best person to her that I could possibly be, because every boyfriend she has ever had before only used her for her body and didn't care at all for who she really was. She realized this, and about a week ago, she called me up after the weekend and told me that she went to a club one night with this guy and kissed him, (but she really made out with him), and I asked her if she liked him and she said she Īdidn't knowā. I tried to forgive her for so long but she never seemed sorry for what she did so how could I? I couldn't sleep or eat for days, and finally, on last Thursday, I got in a fight in school with the kid that she cheated on me with because he had been threatening to beat me up for no reason. It is now Monday, and she wants me to forgive her, and she acts sorry, but I don't know what to do. I mean she even knows I treat her so much better than anyone else, and that there is no reason to throw away what we had. Could this happen again if I took her back?? Do you think things would never be the same? I need help, I don't know what to do. Thanks A - Dear Chris, Easy for me (to explain), hard for you, (to take in and digest.) YOU sound like a really great guy..... your mom must be a pretty great lady to have raised you so well. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, sounds as if sheās got self esteem issues stemming from (the usual) ćmy daddy didnāt pay enough attention to me (when I was two and three and four), and I had to work REALLY hard to get his attention, and, even then, he was sometimes angry or hurt me..... but I so wanted him to love me Īcause I loved him soä. Translated, that means what youāve got in her is what I call a Īwing shot birdā. Now, yes, you can have this discussion with her till you-know-what freezes over, or you can just realize that, unless (and until) SHE unhooks this pernicious coupling between what FEELS like Īloveā, (but is really abuse), and, unless and until she learns that the kinds of attention YOU provide feels comfortable and SO much better than her continually putting herself in situations where her Īless thanā status is reaffirmed by these guys whoāve grown up disrespecting THEIR moms..... (and, by extension, other females), well, youāve got a real conundrum there. If youāve ever wondered if youād like the field of psychology, you could do worse than to keep Īcase notesā on friends whom you find somewhat confusing. Now, ARE there young women who DO like Īgood guysā? Of course theyāre are. Just keep in mind, that in ALMOST every case, the daddy type was, for one reason or another, somewhat unavailable, ...perhaps only because he worked so hard to provide for the family and not, necessarily because he was cranky or mean to the girl child. Life is complicated and there is, often, no Īoneā answer. You, too, have an interesting dynamic. YOU are interested in sort of Īrescuingā her....... let me ask you, is YOUR mother somewhat depressed, or is there alcoholism in the family? Does your dad treat your mother really well, or do you, sometimes feel that itās Īup to youā to give your mom a hug and make her smile? (Not that thatās not a wonderful thing for a son to do in ANY case ; ) (See how these dynamics can be sort of Ībookendsā?) Youāre just 16, a very very romantic age.... give yourself time and do try not to take things too seriously. Be good friends, thatās always a good plan..... the adolescent years are for learning social skills.... itās much later where more serious paring up will take place. I know itās hard not to take things too seriously, yet itās really best if you donāt. WILL she Īcheatā again? Well, people have action patterns that demonstrate their character. 16 is not too young to set in place a good, strong sense of values. I know that you find her of great value to you........ 16 is also a good time to learn that wanting is (sometimes) better than having. Good luck to you........ you sound as if youāre on the right track. Just remember, be your own person....... donāt allow yourself to get stepped on. - Annabelle Q - Dear Annabelle, I got your email about my girlfriend, Diane. Thank you that really helped a lot! I just wanted to answer some of the questions that you asked. You asked me if MY mother had a depression problem and if there was any alcoholism in the family. The answer is yes, to both. My mother and father are divorced now, and I did live with my mother but a year ago moved in with my father. My mother is very depressed, and my father is an alcoholic, which I have tried to work with him on, but it never has seemed to work. But as other news, I found out today that my girlfriend, (well ex girlfriend at the moment), has decided to get together with the boyfriend she had before me and some other friends on Thursday after our mid-term exams and plans to "hook up" with him for the evening. I don't know exactly what all this has in store for, but I am confused once again. I don't know whether I should wait to see what happens, or stop her from doing it and say something before it happens. What does this mean? Could she really have any respect for me whatsoever if she has the nerve to use a technique like *this* to work at our relationship again and try to rebuild it?!? And yes, this IS another one of those guys who want her for her body, and don't care about anything more than that. At this point I feel as though to do anything but give up on her would be completely insane, and would lead to nothing but another heart break, (and I don't handle those well, because I have a habit of becoming very emotionally attached to people if they mean a lot to me). Could there be any reason for me to stay in there and keep working at it, considering that I care about her so much? I hope to hear some feedback soon, thanks again! A - Dear Chris, Again, you sound like a very dear guy..... and, yes, youāre in for heartbreak, just because of the way youāre wired. Thatās not all bad, but it would be useful for you to begin to recognize some Ī road signsā along the way so you wonāt go straying off into areas where youāre going to get your emotional butt kicked. Now, as I understand it, the current term, to Ī hook upā means, to many teens, to engage in oral sex, (which, thanks to our recent sociopathic ex pres has led to the belief that oral sex ISNāT Ī sexā at all....... ) For what itās worth, ALL forms of sexual behavior are S-E-X....... some are just more dangerous than others and all have interesting side effects...... like unexpected emotional consequences, not to mention that ratty little statistic that, whereas there USED to be just two sexually transmitted diseases that were problematic, (gonorrhea and syphilis), we now have a virtual smorgasbord of MORE than 60 rapacious little critters of the sort that can do all manner of nasty things to ones bodies...... not to mention to oneās looks.... and life. Oh well. Teens tend not to believe grownups anyway, being of the (extraordinarily false) belief that grownups not only know NOTHING about sex, but donāt find it interesting or indulge in same. Get real. You still have the same problems here....... you DO have that depressed mother, so for you to look to find a female to rescue ...and to please.... and to save from herself is just written into your life script....... youāre got a Ī rescueā script....... and that will do no one any good. The ONLY person whose life you can affect is your own. Yes, youād like to Ī make it all betterā about your fatherās drinking. NO, itās not about you....... and his problem is HIS problem...... although, by association, itās your sad difficulty as well. I recommend that you join Ala Teen for a better understanding of whatās going on in your life and for an ongoing support group. Youāre fighting battles you donāt even understand and for which you are ill equipped to deal. You will learn to deal differently with life. You will learn to recognize that, when you ARE Ī standing on a railroad track and seeing that light bearing down upon youā...... that you have the POWER to get OFF the track.... and to save yourself. Your responsibility is TO yourself. You cannot rescue others. You CAN become emotionally healthy and learn to attract emotionally healthy people into your life. This sort of thing really does happen. Trust me........ I know. - Annabelle