Q - Dear Annabelle, I found true love and my soul mate when I was 16, and for 3 1/2 years we have stayed in touch. We are both 19 now, and he is in the Marine Corps. I have relatives near where he is stationed, so in September '98, I moved to be closer to him and to attend college. Last Feb. he went to the Persian Gulf and we wrote. He told me he loved me, and always has and always will and that I am very special to him. He also said he didn't want anyone else and I was so happy I cried! He phoned me from Thailand and Hong Cong on his way back and I could sense a change in our conversations ....he seemed more friendly. I didn't tell him I was planning to move closer to him because I wanted to surprise him. Well, the surprise was a nightmare, because he had met someone right before he left and she started writing him a few months before he got back. After he realized I was nearby, he came over to my apartment and we talked about the situation. He told me he needed someone because he was lonely and he thought our relationship would only be long distance. He also told me that they are very compatible and he cares about her a lot! I could only cry! He hugged me so tight and said he was sorry and that if he had known I was going to be there, he would have never started anything with someone else. My heart felt so heavy and I cried every night until I had no more tears! We agreed we would be together again someday and still talk on the phone sometimes but his friend told me he is very serious about this girl and mentioned that he would even like to marry someone like her someday. I knew it was definitely time to move on! I'm seeing someone now and beginning to accept having him out of my life but a piece of my heart will always belong to him because true love never goes away! Fate keeps bringing us together even in the large city we live in and right now, it's difficult to see him. He wants to stay in touch but sometimes I feel like I would rather never see him or talk to him again, than to see him and know he's with someone else! I love him with all my heart a soul and will miss him every day for the rest of my life if we go our separate ways! I've never given up on him because I believe we were meant to be but my self-respect tells me it's time to give up and never look back. Please advise me from your heart??? A - Dear Kristi, I hate to break your bubble, but one of the great Īmischief makersā in the romantic world is the belief in a Īsoul mateā. Itās completely understandable and I havenāt the space here, in the short course of this answer to expound on its genesis and psychological underpinnings..suffice to say that it really is a false belief. There now, isnāt that all better? (I didnāt think so, but youāre young and what you strongly believe appears just as real as what actually Īisā....and Īisā is what we have to deal with.) Ok, Iāll take a short pass at it: Look, if there ARE such things as Īsoul matesā they, as do āsoulsā in general, exist on a different time plane.....as in, we exist here, in reality, they donāt. Enough.** Now, youāre a 19 year old young woman...things like this happen and they hurt something awful. Being young is wonderful, but the process of romance is still so new that itās always easy to think that THIS is Īthe oneā and that there will never be another.....there will be, (and thatās not a fun thought either, because you wanted THIS one). You DID learn one valuable lesson, however. Donāt EVER Īsurpriseā someone this way. Youāre too young to have the necessary skills to pick up all kinds of salient clues on how a relationship is progressing and how the maturity and needs levels of the two players are being met.......you walked right into that one and no WONDER it hurts so! Thatās an awful way to find out that things arenāt, in reality, how we, (in our fantasies), would like them to be. Chalk this one up to experience, cry your eyes out whenever youāre ALONE and feel the need to do so..and then get on with your life. Good things happen too, so just be ready for when something does come your way! (And remember to get your studies attended to!) **Oh, all right....hereās the entire thought out and written down expository on Īsoul matesā. **Soul Mates So youāve found your Īsoul mate!!ā I wonder what that really means............to YOU. Does it mean that one person was Īmade in heavenā for YOU and ONLY for you and was that person the ONLY one Īmadeā for you? (That may sound nice and make you feel good when you say it, but you donāt really believe it)........itās a way of overcoming the Īalonenessā that you have felt and it creates the illusion that you will , now that you have found this person, never be alone again. It sounds wonderful and it makes you feel very special when you say it....especially when you say it to your friends. BUT............do you really believe it....way down deep? You're, (probably), quite young and haven't had much boy/girl or man/woman experience yet......and, sometimes, you've felt so alone that you were sure nobody you wanted would ever want you. That was a terrible feeling and you don't EVER want to feel that way again. You see, believing that you've found your "soul mate" is a way of protecting yourself against the fear of feeling that all alone again, a way of convincing yourself that you'll never BE alone again, now that someone special you're attracted to is really attracted to you. You'll NEVER be lonely again. Chances are youāre young enough that that hasn't happened to you before...or maybe only once before. And, because itās never happened before, and this is the first time, or maybe only the second, you're afraid it will never happen again. Know what? That makes your "soul mate" even more exciting, because it attaches an air of danger to him, (or her). Danger? Uh-huh....Because, if you lose your "soul mate," you may go through the rest of your life without true love. It feels thrilling to have someone so important in your life, yes? Roller coasters and horror movies are thrilling, too. Not the same, you say? No, not exactly the same, but very close. We all love artificial danger. The fact is that, just because something hasnāt happened before, doesnāt mean it wonāt happen again. EVERY thing happens for the first time,......(and the second, ......and the third)..............and so on, for as long as we keep trying. Does this person seem more attractive and desirable than anyone you ever thought would care about you? Well, ....it is known that, in most couples, the Īhe and sheā are about equally attractive. So, if you think this personās a whole lot more attractive than you are, itās probably time to examine your self image. Body and facial dysmorphia is relatively common, especially in females. A person who goes ga-ga over a Īsoul mateā often doesnāt realize, or believe, how attractive they really are. This is not only common, itās an odd form of self-indulgence and can be, at least to other people, both peculiar and annoying. So what? Isn't this all harmless fun? Not quite harmless. It has a genuine Īdark sideā. Common sense says that all relationships break up,until the last one, the one that doesnāt break up, and thatās a whole lot more likely to be with ĪMr. or Ms. Rightā than your Īsoul mateā. In the meantime, getting ga-ga about a Īsoul mateā leaves you vulnerable to two things. First, going further sexually, socially or financially than your good sense would otherwise allow. Second, falling into a long, very deep and very black depression when the relationship ends...and probably it will end, because thereās a universal rule of human nature that, when you know someone can hurt you deeply by leaving you, or falling out of love with you, you are angry with them for having that power and frightening you. That's why most "soul matings" donāt last very long. Enjoy it for as long as you enjoy it, but as soon as the fear of losing him, (or her), becomes painful, wake up from the dream before it becomes a nightmare. Open your eyes. Listen to your good sense. Get ready to enjoy the next relationship. And always remember that there will be a Īnext relationshipā, even though it may not seem so at first. - Annabelle