Q - Dear Annabelle, Me and my man have been into a argument for 2 days now.Today he told me that he was going out with his cousin. We got into it again and he hung up in my face. It is now 4:00 in the morning and he has not made it home yet but that is what his other cousin said. I am 3 months pregnant by him and I am always jumping down his back. Please tell me, what should I do ? I am worried because he is not at home. Can you please tell me what I should do? I feel like I am losing him and I love him very much, but since it is late I don't want to have the wrong idea that he is doing something . He said that I am always throwing girls up in his face. I just want to tell him that I am so sorry and I will never do it again. A - Dear Shunquita, Part of your Îproblemâ stems from being in a culture that not only accepts, but encourages this kind of behavior in its males, and your kind of behavior in females. You see, the under-25âs have a long and steep maturational curve.....in having this kind of relationship with a guy, youâve moved several steps ahead of what is stage appropriate for your age.......and you cannot now go back. You are simply a player in an ongoing cultural milieu. Shunquita, somewhere along the way you came to believe that, not only was serious education not of any interest, but modesty and chastity before marriage was not even part of the landscape. Youâre part of a cultural structure believing, and demonstrating, that good manners (and Îgood mannersâ means acting in ways that donât cause others discomfort), are irrelevant. The group fosters a belief that you are somehow a Îvictimâ of others behaviors. You havenât been raised with the icons of personal accountability, of higher education and the working together for the greater cultural good is of any interest at all......now, doesnât THAT sound just so awfully judgmental? Know what...?.....it is YOU who made that Îjudgmentâ....it is YOU, Shunquita, .........who Îwent alongâ with what was easy and Îfelt goodâ at the time instead of taking the Îlong viewâ of what would be good, not only for you, but what would be best for your community and your country as a whole. You have not only decided that what you want, when you want it is your highest goal.... you are also in a group who are similarly encumbered....therefore the pickle in which you find yourself is of great discomfort to YOU. Now, the innocent here is the child......but, unless YOU, Shaunkita, decide to become a Îgatekeeperâ*, your child will be raised in the same belief system.......and will grow up, depending on gender, to tomcat around or to become pregnant outside of marriage. Of course you feel angry, not only at Îyour manâ, but at me for pointing this out to you. Now, what SHOULD you do? Letâs start with what IS. You are 18 with an aching heart ....and you are pregnant by an emotionally immature male. You are emotionally immature as well......(thatâs just what 18 year olds are.) ÎMaturityâ, real maturity, doesnât even begin to set up until 25+ so how could you, in the situation in which you live with no outside guidance or context, be expected to know, much less, act, any differently? You may think that you Îhavenât had a fair chanceâ.....heck, I have no way of knowing. I'm assigning a book for you to read: Title:ÊÊ Journey to Freedom: A Story of the Underground Railroad Author:ÊÊ Wright, Courtni C. Publisher:ÊÊ Holiday House Date:ÊÊ 1994 Keywords:ÊÊ Harriet Tubman, Slavery Here is a woman of great courage who had more challenges in her time than most of us will ever face. After youâve read it, ask yourself, ÎWhat would Ms. Tubman have done? How will I raise my child to be a strong and courageous person who can add to our culture and to have both grace and integrity?â Now, you asked me Îwhat you should doâ in the context of Îyour manâ. Well at 18, youâre a bit premature all around, so the predicament in which you find yourself is not solvable in its present form. YOU must maintain YOUR dignity and courage while you acquire knowledge to take both you AND your child to a better place in society. Do YOU, Shunquita, have the courage.......and can you develop the integrity, to do that? - Annabelle