Q - Dear Annabelle, This is a serious question to deal with my state of mind. I've been trying to date different girls, but all seem to fail, miserably. At this point, I'm unsure that I even want to be with anyone anymore. I *am* heterosexual.. females do attract me, but the thought of even sticking my neck out.. just to be rejected again (and again, and again) is so depressing to me. There are days that I don't even get out of bed to go to work anymore. I've talked to counselors, and they don't seem to help me at all. They keep giving me the same advice, which doesn't seem to be working. The last girl I tried my luck with, (if you call it luck, I'm beginning to think this is all a big dream or a really funny joke, and I'm the one everyone is laughing at), basically never called me back, and stopped replying to my email messages.. and when I occasionally saw her.. she would say Īhiā to me, and thatās about it.. at that point I just basically ignored her.. which really hurt me, but I felt like it wasn't even worth trying anymore.. I mean, when someone hears your phone message, but decides NOT to call you back? What does that usually mean? I have a busier schedule than most people, but I still find time to call my friends back. Am I destined to just be alone? That's what I've decided so far, I can't find any other logic, and the more I hurt myself by subjecting myself to try to date, the more I get depressed, and I know another person doesn't want to deal with someone like me. Any suggestions? I'm all out of ideas, and I'm ready to give up. It's not like I'd be changing much, I don't have any real friends, and when I try to get to know people, it's like they don't even want anything to do with me.. but I'm being myself.. am I supposed to be someone else? A - Dear Tygre, Oh dear, you really are having a time of it.....you sound a little like someone I knew many long years ago. You see, sometimes when one doesnāt Īfit inā...or is Īdifferentā, for whatever reason, sometimes itās just a matter of realizing that youāre whatās called a Īlate bloomerā. Actually being a Īlate bloomerā isnāt all bad....(.trust me on this one)....though it can hurt terribly at the time not to be Īone of the gangā. Your day WILL come. Now, if it is this, and there may be other components with which we will also deal, you need to look at this particular time in your life as simply a Īlearning timeā for later. You know about the tale of the ĪTortoise and the Hare', yes? Well, sometimes people are like that too. Now, Iām going to make a few, possibly unfounded, assumptions. Perhaps you are not the optimum height for a guy, or the best looking, perhaps your skin hasnāt cleared up just yet and perhaps your social skills aren't yet well defined. Perhaps you havenāt yet learned about posture, dress, and how to generally be at ease with others. Maybe your vocal skills arenāt what you would prefer and perhaps you have little talent for sports. If any of these are the case, the good news is that ALL of them are remediable, given diligence and time. The elements that you MUST have are a good heart and a willingness to learn.......a good sense of humor and an ability to laugh at yourself is really helpful. Character and integrity are an absolute must. Iām somewhat further down the road than you and have seen my friends and acquaintances from high school and college grow and develop.....and have watched some of them fade. The ones that seem to have done the best werenāt the ones who held all the cards in school, rather the ones that held the Īlong viewā about life and themselves and careers. (Now I will tell you that, to this DAY, I cannot watch ĪHappy Daysā without flinching........and thoughts of college still produce a stomach knot or two......however, wings were found and life took off.) Yours can too. Letās start with the assumption that you MAY have some kind of a depressive disorder. Whether itās genetic or not, or just situational, itās pretty much treatable. Sometimes people just donāt have enough serotonin and need a bit of a boost. Your parents can put you in touch with a good psychologist who can work with you to evaluate your needs and to help you put in place ways of buttressing your self esteem. If the psychologist feels it appropriate, he will give you a referral for medication that can be of immense help. This is such a commonly recognized situation, particularly in young people that there are now many successful treatments that can make life ever so much easier. Medication can be of short term duration, until such time as you have in place new skills to produce the result most beneficial to you. Sometimes a depression is just situational and can be dealt with behaviorally. (Hey, sometimes things just ARE downers..especially in adolescence.) You may just need a better set of coping skills. Anyway, a medical checkup is my first recommendation. Then, letās start dealing with the physical stuff.........like social skills. If you spend a year or two of learning HOW successful people interact, by watching people you consider successful and by asking others how it is the Īdo what they doā, you will have some new knowledge. You have at least one friend who, if you just sat quietly and asked, would be truthful with you and tell you what your real deficits are.....and your strengths as well. Not the deficits that YOU feel you have, but the ones that the Īoutside worldā perceives. You ask, you listen, and you thank the person for telling you. I will tell you that, in my time on earth, I have observed that itās not always the most physically attractive folk who score the highest in the world of social commerce ...itās the ones who find other people the most interesting and who can get other people to talk about themselves, and then enjoy what they hear. Finding other people fascinating is an almost sure-fire guarantee of popularity. Thereās a very old book by Dale Carnegie called, ćHow to Win Friends and Influence Peopleā ....(itās sort of the Īownerās manual for peopleā, so be careful how you use it.) There is Dr. Julius Fastās book on ĪBody Languageā, and one, ĪHow to Dress For Successā, in the classic style, by John T. Molloy, who also wrote ĪLive for Successā. Dr. Morton Cooper wrote, ĪChange Your Voice, Change Your Lifeā, Dr. Joyce Brothers wrote, How to Get What You Want Out of Lifeā. Steven Covey has written brilliantly on ćThe Seven Habits of Highly Successful Peopleä. As dorky as any, or all of these sound, they are written, and written well, by people who have distilled, and told about, how to get through life gracefully and with panacheā. It takes about two years of work to actually develop yourself into a more Īworkableā person, but the effort is well worth it...and youāll definitely have a lot more fun. Tygre, not everyone is born knowing how to be accepted by people. For some itās a lifelong journey......itās up to you to decide how you want to deal with the problem as youāve presented it to me. I could go on and on and on....but, at some point, you need to reevaluate how youāre approaching what you see as YOUR life....and make some decisions.....and take ACTION on a continuing basis. You have a long way to go in life and I guarantee you itās a real high to look over accomplishments rather than might-have-beens. You live in a wonderful world of fabulous opportunities....sometimes you just have to bootstrap yourself to where you want to be. I know I didnāt mention anything about how to improve yourself physically, (if youāre interested, we can talk about that another time.) The easiest improvement you can make there is to look directly into someoneās eyes when youāre listening to them and to learn how to take real pleasure in the joys that ARE available to you.....smiling is actually a great anti-depressant. Well, you a lots of good books to read and a lot of new Īhomeworkā. You can do it......others have and itās well worth the investment. Remember, you can if you THINK you can...........you WILL if you REALLY WANT TO. ; ) - Annabelle Q - Dear Annabelle, I don't think you get it. I have no problem smiling, or laughing. i can make all kinds of people smile and laugh.. I enjoy it.. it's part of my job is that I am customer service, and I deal with all kinds of people. My problem is that I'm shy towards females, and I don't get enough contact. Do you not understand what it feels like to be rejected by a member of the opposite sex? That is what I'm dealing with. When that happens, it lowers MY self-esteem. I dated a girl for about 2 months, when I finally told her my true feelings for her, and she told me she just wanted to date.. that she still loved another guy.. OK I could deal with that.. but suddenly she pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. Why exactly did she lie to me,to not hurt me? Yeah right... I don't know. I tried explaining that telling me the truth wouldn't have hurt me as much as telling me lies, like she did. I found it rather funny that she ended up dating another guy rather seriously, who didn't happen to be the guy she told me she still loved. I can do without bitches like that. We are still friends, and what I find funny is that she tells my friends she "worries" about me, but wtf? She doesn't make any attempt to contact me. I have friends that go to school full time, and then work pretty much full time, and they still make time to contact me, whereas she DOES sit at home alot, and then works part time, and goes to school at night (I believe is what she told me).. busy schedule hmm.... I don't' really hold that against her.. I understand some people just can't tell the truth. I finally told her that if we really were friends, that she would make attempts to contact me, instead of me visiting her where she works (it's a friendly basis, plus I know other people that work there, coffee shop in town where I buy drinks once in a while when I need something to warm me up (caffeine too:P). I don't hate her, but I wish females would just understand truth is more important that feelings. I've learned that the hard way.. it's not like I'm completely nuts and flip out on her :P I had experience with pot and LSD. That's what supposedly worried my friend, but again, wouldn't you try to contact the friend you were worried about? I sure as hell would.. I'd make it almost my #1 priority, but I really doubt she is truly worried. i feel she said that to tell my friend that she is still around, and my friend would ask me about that, which he did. It's the only logical explanation I can conceive. I've only had good experiences with both, except for 1 bad trip on LSD. As far as a psychologist goes, they didn't help me. They basically just took my money, and talked about things I already understood. As far as help goes, i think I'm finally understanding that I am the way I am, and that maybe I WAS meant to be lonely. Not everyone has someone that is compatible, nor am I willing to bend over backwards for someone that isn't willing to bend over backwards for me, that's the bottom line. I want equality, not pampering one person for nothing. It's rather obvious to me that I am mature. I have taken initiative to start my life on he path I need to take. I am earning a masters degree in engineering (yet another field where the male/female ratio is about 50/1, and that 1 is probably a CNA or a secretary). I find girls aren't interested in cars, AT ALL, same goes with most guys. I am a complete gearhead, which is my passion, and which is why I'm going to college. I spend most of my time working on my car, or competing in SCCA races. I also don't see many other guys my age in a professional position such as what I hold. I am a technical engineer for a computer company, and I handle Network support. I make on average $20,000 more a year than my friends.. and I'm 19, like you knew. I don't like what I'm doing, but I don't have a choice. Porsche, Benz, BMW won't hire someone like me without a degree and experience, which is what I'm trying to do right now. Also, I am told girls find me rather attractive, and I've been asked out by girls before, but again, it usually ends up in a few dates, and then it's over. I don't feel that they are interested in me at all, they see someone physically attractive, then they find I am a fairly serious person, or they can't handle my sense of humor, it's almost like I'm on a higher plane of intelligence, it's sickening. I would love to get laid, but I would also love to have a meaningful relationship with a girl, as in LTR. I am a clean person, and I dress nicely at most times, unless I'm working on my car. I don't drive a fancy car by all means. Most people think it's just a beater, but it's just a rough looking car that goes pretty fast, and handles just like a race car.. which is all that matters to me. if I can take it on a track, slap on my helmet and make sure my 5 point harness is connected to my roll cage, I'm set. I don't want people to judge me like that, if they do, then I'll be more than happy to live a lonely life and die a lonely death. i thought I used to be shallow... yeah right. I guess I'm just boring is what it is. I've tried looking for suggestions as to what to do on a date, and I've done some things.. usually take the girl out to a nice restaurant, movie, or a light show, or whatever.. but it gets boring for me too. I don't want to push the idea of sex on a girl, because that's not me. When I usually ask "What do you want to do?" I get a response like "what do you want to do?" Getting a question for a question doesn't help me. There isn't much to do in this area, and I'm NOT into dancing, it's not my groove. i like listening to all kinds of music, except techno/dance music, I DETEST it. I play my guitar, which i don't find the girls to like too much (I like playing alot of heavy metal stuff, and little pink floyd, doors, etc).. but that's me.. I'm NOT going to change my personality for someone, especially for being taught all these years to be yourself. if someone can't take me the way I am, then I WILL die a very lonely death. That's not what relationships are supposed to be about. They are supposed to be about caring for each other, and communication, and loving each other. I feel I'm capable of all those things, but I rejected before I get to show anything true. At this point, i really feel not one can help me. I guess I'm just going to keep throwing myself to the dogs and getting torn apart by the opposite sex. i sure hope this doesn't start causing deep depression, because physically or mentally I won't be able to handle it. I've considered staying single for a while, but I do, and have been for about a year, and it kills me. I feel like I'm going insane. I'll give it one more shot, with a girl that is in one of my math classes. How do you suggest I approach someone, in a friendly manner, not asking for a relationship? I figure I would ask her if she would like to get together to study, which really wouldn't be a bad idea for me, since I could use all the help I can get. Like i said, I would love to have LTR with someone, but I would even settle for a good friendship, without any real intimacy. Just being with the opposite sex makes me feel good, which is all I'm really looking for right now. if she would want to take it further, then so be it... but like I said.. I'm babbling, so I'm going to stop. A - Dear Tygre, Thank you for your second letter. You were right, I didnāt get it the first time. Because you didnāt give *it* until the second time. (Donāt play with my poor brain..this is tough enough without my having to be a mind reader.) Your first letter described a hapless young man, so bewildered and depressed that he sometimes couldnāt get out of bed, even to go to work. Your second letter reveals that, except for his frustration with women, this young man isnāt hapless at all; in fact, heās a high-achiever, precociously earning a graduate degree and doing well at a full-time job at age 19, able to relate to people well......(again, except for frustration with women.) Now, a very different person is asking the question, and that makes the question itself very different, even though the words are the same. Tygre, your second letter suggests that the heart of your problem is a feeling that youāre quite a bit smarter than those around you, and that other people -- particularly the women youāve tried to date -- donāt share, or understand, your interests. Your academic standing suggests that youāre a gifted student of engineering, perhaps even a VERY gifted student. That should be invaluable to you professionally, but it doesnāt necessarily mean that youāre precocious, or gifted, or smarter than anyone else in any other area, (particularly in social skills.) As an engineer, you know itās in the nature of a system that a change in one function affects all functions in the system. Well, human beings are Īsystemsā. Physically, when people lose their eyesight, their other senses become extraordinarily keen. Psychologically, the stereotype of the absent-minded professor grew out of the observation that people who are very gifted in some areas may be all but non-functional in others. During my years at Cal Tech I observed that, while ALL the guys were brilliant, some were socially adept and others were nerds. Interestingly, some of the nerds were of the Īcute and cuddlyā variety and others were of the standoffish type...not because they didnāt Īwant girlsā, but because they honestly hadnāt a clue how to approach girls. I now realize that the ones with a sense of humor about their nerdiness actually got along just fine, and that the inept ones, in general, have become more withdrawn over the years. Interpersonal socialization is a skill.....some have it naturally, others can learn it, and still others, evidently feeling angry about not having it, scorn its acquisition. I repeat, it is a skill, a Īlanguageā of sorts, and, though it may feel like pulling teeth sometimes, it can be learned, given the proper attitude and a good dose of humor about oneās lackings. Tygre, your first task is to understand that this is an equation with more than one solution. Yes, most other people are not as smart as you are in your special field, but many are quite a bit smarter than you in other fields, like dating....like the business of living. To be more successful with women, learn to welcome them as they are, not as you THINK they should be. Why is her not caring about cars any worse than your not caring about whatever interests her? What if you CANāT find anything that you both care about? Find other partners. (Thatās the decision process youāre seeing in the women who donāt warm up to you.) What if, time after time, you canāt find anything that you both care about? Use your logical, engineerās good sense: either you have to learn, genuinely, to care about new things, or reconcile yourself to a very narrow choice of women .....and a narrow life that misses a lot of the best stuff. As with women, so with the psychologists youāve seen. As long as youāre only prepared to see what youāre looking for, youāll never learn. The kind of psychologist youāre looking for will keep your feet to the fire while both of you go on the journey of discovery for that path best suited for you. You want someone that you can learn from .......not disdain. - Annabelle Q - Dear Annabelle, I do appreciate your response. I feel you gave me more of a real answer once I gave you a true background. I'm not saying I'm not interested in the girl's interests, I just find that she is not at all interested in me, which I find frustrating.. Thats why I brought cars into the example. I'm not a complete expert in my field, i'm still learning, trust me. I don't act like I know everything either, in fact, I usually listen intently when other experienced people talk, but I do let people know when they are wrong. IMHO, it's better to know when you are wrong, so you can correct yourself, and be on the right track.. I appreciate it more when people point out my mis-information, or the such, and put me on the right path. I find dancing is one thing girls that I've dated do, and it's just my type of thing, slow dancing I've always thought was kind of fun, but I don't find many people slow dancing to techno at a dance club, it's just one of those catch 22's of a dance club I guess. Thats just one example, I'm sure there are plenty of other things to do, but just don't know where they are. I've closed myself off (or maybe I'm just not part of the *group* that knows where everything is happening, but everyone seems to be doing the same thing in my town, either doing nothing, getting drunk, smoking pot, doing drugs, or having sex, pick your choice) There are a few of us, and this is few, like in 3-4 out of 17,000 that are really into auto's the way I am.. and we race. I guess one question I have is, why do I have to be completely interested in a girl and her interests, and she not be interested in my interests? I guess this must be the catch 22 of dating, and it must be why there are alot of married people out there that say "Yeah, I remember when I used to do that, blah blah blah, then I got married".. is this it? Have I missed something my whole life? One thing that really chaps my hide, is when a girl is getting to know me, she just catagorizes me as another guy that must have a fast car because it's an extension of his penis or something.. I find that totally not true in my case, and my friends cases. I personally get a big kick out of driving, and to be rather frank.. if I were to lose an arm or a leg or an eye or something, and NOT be able to drive, I would probably just wither up and die.. it's THAT important to me. I don't know of many other guys with "rodded" cars that feel that way. It's more than just a hobby, it's a passion, it's what keeps me alive. I find that most people can't understand that, which I don't understand myself. Other people love music, or children, or animals or photography, but I get catagorized as a stereotype. Thats how I feel other people look at me, which really doesn't bother me generally speaking, but when I'm trying to begin a friendship with a girl, she asks me my hobbies, and my car is about #1 on the list, and not a whole lot else. Not a whole lot else interests me, other than fabricating parts for my car, and putting my car together. I do play guitar a little bit, and I work with computers (oh, thats one that win's tons of women over, baby!). I do have one more question. How would you suggest I approach a girl that I'm interested in? Should I at first just approach her as a friendship level instead of dating? Should I just walk up and ask her out, or what? Should I not appear too interested? Are there any texts on the internet that talk about how to meet women the correct way instead of making yourself look like a complete jerk or stalker or something? Thats the biggest thing that worries me. I never seem to get direct answers out of girls, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've honestly asked people what is wrong with me, and they never say anything is, they just say "Keep trying". I'm really frustrated with myself because of this. Any suggestions as far as the last paragraph are concerned are greatly appreciated. There is a girl in my math class that I would like to introduce myself to, but I don't know the right way to do it. I don't want to move to fast either, but I don't know how to break the ice. it's hard meeting people and breaking the ice like this.