Q - Dear Annabelle, Well, my boyfriend and I have been together since June of '97 on and off. We were together always at first, but now more and more he wants to go with his friends and smoke pot.. We still spend quite a bit of time together,r but he says heāll Īcome over the next dayā and heāll end up not even calling to tell me that heās not coming. I wait by the phone and get mad ......and when I try to talk to him about it, he gets all defensive and turns it around on me. He asks me why he has to tell me everywhere heās going. Is this wrong and what should I do next time this happens????i just want him to be responsible enough to think about me when I'm not there....and to call.... A - Dear Shauna, Gee, wouldnāt it be nice if Īthe authoritiesā had told the * truth* about drugs all along? Then, kids might even LISTEN when they talk about the harm marijuana causes. This is going to be rather the Īlong, slow pitchā, so bear with me here. You are 17, your boyfriend is probably about the same age, Īage pairingā generally occurs during the teen years. There are a couple of other things that occur during the teen years as well.........*hormones* being the biggie. (Theyāre part of the reason you even HAVE a boyfriend, so, well, lets give them their due.........of course, they also cause zits and thatās a bummer.) Anyway, being an adolescent is REALLY a stressful time because thereās so MUCH to deal with and no real body of experience from which to draw.....and, like, whoās going to listen to parents.....what do THEY know? So, just as when you have a headache, you sometimes take an aspirin, some kids Īself medicateā themselves with marijuana to drift off into a more blissful state. The very very serious problem that this creates is that going through adolescence successfully necessarily involves stress and pain. Much as, when a baby bird is ready to hatch and must peck itās way out of the shell, if a well meaning person breaks away the shell and frees the bird, the bird will, most likely, die........itās the effort and energy directed toward the process of Īhatchingā that prepares the bird for the outside world. Adolescence, is a very important stage in life.....called Īidentity vs role confusionā which, if missed, does not deliver the young person safely into young adulthood and most often results in a permanently immature individual. Adolescence is the Īterrible twoāsā revisited in earnest....the separation from parents and individuation into a separate adult is absolutely essential as a step toward healthy adulthood. (You can see why some teenagers choose drugs, they do help avoid the pain).......the consequences, however are life long and severe. Shauna, it takes real courage to face lifeās pain.......all change hurts, but facing that pain and going through it with courage results in growth.....and in a healthy adult. Another, and more serious, consequence of teen use of marijuana is that, much as it is easy to take a small step in a certain direction, ........and then another and another, finding that marijuana has been lied about, the young person may find it easy to try other drugs as well.........and SOME of those drugs, notably crack, meth, and drugs in that category can permanently rewire your neural system. And, by permanent.......I DO mean permanent! The opiates, heroin, and that group just take away your mind and will. They can become addicting, most likely WILL become addicting and, again, the Īpersonā is lost. With things like cocaine and that group, one never knows.....(until itās too late), if YOU are the one they will kill the first time out. Teenagers have a real sense of invulnerability, of Īhey, itāll never happen to meā. Thatās why you hear of so many teen tragedies and deaths. Teens have no sense of mortality......and wonāt have for many years to come. ĪBadā things and death happen only to Īsomeone elseā. BUT, if you talk with almost any Īgrownupā, virtually every one will have a story to tell of a friend who did not survive adolescence. Now, what should YOU do? Forget this guy. You cannot rescue him and he has made his choice. YOU concentrate on you and your successes....not on someone elseās weaknesses. This has gotten entirely too long, but you asked an important question. - Annabelle