Q - Dear Annabelle, I love this girl a whole lot and it never seems to work out between us. Am I wasting my time? I canāt sleep at night because she is constantly on my mind. Am I not treating her the way she should be treated? I know that I love her and I could not picture myself without her in the future. I often try to use the excuse of her being with another man to justify our recent breakup, but in actuality, there is no justification for the way I treated her. All I want is for her to give me some feedback in the relationship and not put everything on me to handle. I need her. What should I do to prove to her that we are destined to be together by any means necessary? I know that I have made mistakes in the past, but I am willing to put forth that extra effort. I believe one of my problems is that I tend to have a lack of respect when dealing with women, but I donāt want to jeopardize this relationship or even throw it away because of the way that Iāve been treated in the past With all that said, I present the questions: What should I do? Should I move on? Was this ālustā instead of Īloveā? Am I a jerk? Am I an asshole? A - Dear Roshon, My answer to you will be a bit sophisticated, so bear with me, Iām going to simplify it as much as possible. Now, to have THIS strong a connection with someone with whom you have continued to break apart, and to have such a compulsive need to reattach, Iād like you to entertain this thought. Think for a minute about the connection between a baby and itās mother. The loss of the mother object would be devastatingly destabilizing for the baby. That baby would be in terror and would do ANYTHING.....if only it knew what it could do to reconnect with the Īmotherā. What you have just described to me is that dynamic. Roshon, what you have just experienced is infant terror.....something that many people are never able to get away from and now that youāve seen what is REALLY going on, perhaps you can look at the Īrelationshipā in a new light. When, as adults, we have healthy relationships, they donāt come from the position of infant terror.....but, while weāre immature, they can. This is not at all unusual and you should know that some very old people have never grown beyond this stage. Just remember, that whenever your Ībrains fall outā regarding ANYTHING, you are most likely operating from an infant position. I know this hurts something awful......youāre in a growing stage and perhaps this will help you to take a look at your needs. I would seriously recommend that you find a good psychologist and work through to a more mature definition of who you are. That way, when a love object rejects you, (and keep in mind that ALL Īlove objects have their OWN agenda), you wonāt fasten on so tightly that you canāt let go. Are you normal...yes, is this behavior in your best interests? No. I know it hurts.....you can grow past this to a relationship that is not only healthy, but rewarding. One other thing....you mentioned that you are now aware of having treated her badly on occasion. Awareness of your impact on another person is an enormous leap in personal growth. Even if this situation doesn't work out for you, what you have learned about how you HAVE been and how you CAN be is a very, very important step forward. - Annabelle