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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My parents are divorced, and I live with my mom. She is so mean. Yesterday we made plans to out and see a movie, and today she says she doesn't want to go. I got so mad that I started crying and saying mean things, she said something really offensive and I slapped her on the arm, I started cursing, and saying bad things. I couldn't help it, I was looking forward to today. She can't cancel plans like that. All she does is watch TV and eat. It really bugs me. I need help.
A - Dear Mad Kid,
You sound really upset.....and I donāt blame you. Itās hard, isnāt it when someone whom you love and trust betrays your hopes for the time you have together? Iād be upset too.
At 11, youāre at a kind of Īin-betweenā stage where youāre no longer quite a little kid believing that your parentās are the absolute source of good things....and as an almost adolescent having to learn the really hard lesson that OTHER people, (even parents), have bad days too.
Now, letās take a simple look at this. Your mom has had a serious disappointment.....the man she was once in love with, hoped to spend the rest of her life with, the Īloveā that SHE had counted on, turned out to be a big disappointment. No, itās not fair that, if SHE was having a bad day that it should Ībounce offā and cause YOU a disappointment too, but maybe thatās what happened. (Believe it or not, momās DO have a Īrealā component and get hurt...and sometimes forget that their kidlets are really counting on them)
Now, maybe, at 11, itās time for you to relate to your mom in a different way. Think, for a moment. Going to the movie with her was really important to you. She either missed the cue or just was on another track altogether. (Remember, sheās under stresses of which you may be unaware). Now, how would it be if you imagined that she is your Ībest friendā. What would you say to her? ...Maybe something like, Īcan I get you a cup of tea, mom?....Iād like to talk with you and you look as if you could use a friend right nowā.
Sometimes, when Momās get overloaded, they forget that time with their daughters is really important to the daughters too! If Īall she does is watch TVā, how about Īmaking a dateā with her...(Itās important to me, mom, besides Iād like to go Īoutā with you.......just the two of us, and have some fun........my treat!ä)
Maybe you could earn a bit of $$ by babysitting or helping her around the house, (thereby lightening HER load and making HER feel cared for), in exchange for her going OUT of the house with YOU! Sometimes momās get Īstuckā if theyāre feeling really sad inside.
I hear your disappointment.......see how creative YOU can be to bring some sunshine into BOTH your lives. I understand your being mad......what would happen if you waited for a good moment, gave her a big hug, and said......āmom, I really LOVE you......and Iād like to go out, just the two of us....ok?ā
And, honey, donāt cry to get your way.........and....donāt be hitting your mom. Sheās doing the best she knows how.
Let me know how this goes....
- Annabelle
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