|
|
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Recently, my parents started yelling at each other for stupid reasons as well as serious reasons. They seem to take this very seriously and I am always scared. I don't know how to make them stop. I tried to talk to my mother but she always says that she is tired of him (my dad) being such a bit**. Well, I tried talking to my dad and he says to same. I don't know what to do. Help me, please!
A - Dear Nancy,
This must be very scary for you.......because youāre afraid of what MIGHT happen. Sometimes grownups get so hurt that, in their anger, they forget that the one they love most, (you), gets caught in the middle of their fussing. While thereās nothing you can do directly to solve their problem, please know that itās not ABOUT you and that itās not your fault. I know that you love each of them and, if one person starts to say something about the other that is unpleasant, you can, if youāre willing to, say, ćIt hurts me to hear you talk that way about_______. Please donāt make me a part of this.ä
In your town there are good marriage counselors where your mom and dad could go to work out their problems. A good marriage counselor is kind of like parents having a Īparentā to go talk with....much as you talk with your folks when youāre trying to sort out your relations with your friends and with the world. If your parents donāt like you to use bad language, itās not a good feeling to hear them calling each other names, is it?
About the best you can do is, when one or the other of them starts on this subject, to say; ćMom/Dad, when you say that, (___________), I feel,(__________), and, in the future, Iād appreciate it if you would, (_______). please.ä (Remember the Īpleaseā part, .........this is all very hard, I know.) Give each of them a hug, tell them that you love them, and that youāre scared by all of this. Show them this letter if you think it might help.
Have courage, Nancy......disagreements are just another part of life, theyāre an indication that someone is not getting a need met, but I think you now know that skill at problem solving is a very good skill to develop.......its the Īsolvingā part that needs the greater part of the attention. There will always be problems in any relationship. Itās just that each person, just as you need to, needs to describe their concerns and ask for what they want.........asking in a way that the other person can Īhearā the request. You will need to develop these skills as well.
I wonāt tell you not to be concerned, just know that you are loved and that you have a right to ask that they be concerned about not hurting you.....you are not the target of their anger.
- Annabelle
|
