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Q - Dear Annabelle,
First I want to thank you for answering my letter. I am not all together sure my problems started 5 years ago My biggest fear is that it all started when i got married.
I care for my husband and unfortunately I can't say i love him anymore mainly because he doesn't show me, the way I need to see it or maybe not at all.
The first time I wrote you I felt at the end of my rope. I knew I had to go get a job. (I am 5 months. pregnant with my 3rd child). I had asked my husband all summer to please get a second job so we would not wind up in a financial bind his reply "it is too hot, I can barley stand the job the job i have now" So i just prayed God would keep us afloat, which he has.
I started my job Saturday and am planning to work about 30 hours. a week. I would work more, but can't trust that my husband would watch our youngest, (she is 3). I have had to give up 3 jobs because he won't actually Îwatchâ her. This means the only time I can work is at night. I also have to get my 7 year old up and ready for school in the mornings.
I am a high school dropout and have been trying to make the opportunity to get my GED s reality for 7 years. But, once again I have that baby-sitting issue. I had decided to divorce my husband back in April but because of a poor work history. That became impossible, so I decided to give it 6 months. praying something good would come of it and wound up pregnant.
It hurts that I can't be happy about this miracle of life growing inside me. I was in hope that my sister would be there for me through all of this but she hates me because i am pregnant and I haven't, and won't, speak to our Grandmother. My father is in my life and sometimes I think he and the girls are the only things that keep me going.
I guess i just feel overwhelmed and completely alone. What is worse is that i don't think that I should feel that way, after all, I am married and thought that in marriage the load was a shared one.
These are just few reasons why my life is in a shambles. It would take me a long time to explain how it all came to this, but I will give it a quick try: basically I have made decisions in my life for the wrong reasons. I have a
real hard time thinking of what I want and not what is best for me. For example, I got married because I was pregnant. I have stayed with this man for our children, and out of a fear that I can not take care of all their needs on my own. Nothing but a shambles.
I hope this is close to what you asked for. Thanks for caring so few do.
A - Dear Alisa,
Wow!.....well, you DO have a lot to deal with......but then, you know that. Fortunately, at 28, you still have the strength, (thank heaven), to keep going. Now, in your town, or nearby, are there services to help you provide for your children? It surely doesnât sound as if your husband is willing to pick up his share of the responsibilities, and, that YOU are so aware of your childrenâs needs, and your willingness to do what you must do, speaks very highly of your good character.
There are a lot of pablum-like answers, i.e., Îthe Lord never gives us burdens too heavy.....â that sort of thing, but in YOUR case itâs sounding pretty perilously close to the line here. That you have your father to help you is a great blessing and, believe it or not, when you DO work your way out of this one, you will have grown both in strength AND character. (Yes, I know, at what point do we have Îenoughâ character-building experiences.) Some of our countries greatest people have said of their mothers...âshe was my inspiration, how she did it Iâll never know, but she never gave up, and now Iâm here as living proof of her greatness of spiritâ. Perhaps the thought of what you have to give to the world with your obvious good spirit and your will to overcome can carry you through a bit.
Now, as to what your children Îneedâ.....what your children Îneedâ is to see that their mother loves them, their father too, I would hope. Children need to know that they are safe and they they matter. Being a Îgrownupâ is enormously difficult sometimes and your particular situation is very difficult, indeed. If you can, somehow limit yourself to just three munchkins you may have a shot at getting through this.......
As I mentioned earlier, go to your counties social services department and see what help is available there. That you wish to get your GED is most commendable. You actually sound bright enough to begin college work...by correspondence, perhaps, as well. There are groups out there who are actually LOOKING for such motivated and good spirited women as you seem to be. If youâll go to my Îlinksâ page youâll see a ÎWork-At-Home-Momsâ ring........see what you can find through there. Post a Îhelpâ notice.....see who answers. Youâre not alone
You seem to know your way around the Îwebâ.....with the heart that you seem to have, Iâll bet that you can network into something that will be of benefit, not only to you and to your children, but to others, as well.
One thing that I DONâT hear from you is complaining....you have amazing equanimity throughout all of this.....you know, Iâd just bet that youâll make it through, somehow. ÎSomehowâ, in that I havenât a clue HOW youâll do it, but Iâll bet that because of your good heart and great spirit, youâll find a way.
- Annabelle
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