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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have to say, your answers to these people's questions are rather harsh. You tell people that they have low self esteem because they are confused between their feelings and what may be best for them. If your response to my personal and agonizing question was that I have the problem, I would be offended and likel
y to ignore your advice. Do you want people to do what is right, or get mad?
I also have to say, you make situations sound so black and white. You're wrong. Have you been in love? Have you felt heartache? These feelings are real and need to be dealt with in a sensitive manner. Sure, some people need to be told that the person they are with is less then desirable, but not every man or woman that has wronged another person is horrible and undeserving of a relationship. If a person wants to work it out, tell them to seek REAL counseling with their partner, not dump every person that upsets them. If that happened, we'd have less marriage and more divorce. Sometimes, that's life.
A - Dear Nicole,
Your point is well taken and I have a couple of questions for you. You did not state your age or degrees and field of study. I might be in error, but I will assume that you are in your early 20ās. Beneath your signature you have the word Īcounselorā......may I also assume that you are in one of the helping professions?
Many times people go into these fields with the genuine desire to help others have happier lives....a worthwhile goal. What often happens in oneās schooling is that, depending on the Ībaggageā one carries, one identifies very closely with the patient and then confuses Īhelpingā with Īhurtingā.
One of the most difficult aspects of writing this column is that I have only the information AS IT IS PRESENTED by the person writing. If you have followed much of the ongoing correspondence you are aware that, often, there will be a follow-on letter and further information presented and exchanged. While it would be lovely if I had a Īmagic wandā and knew, in every case, all the multivariate ramifications of each minute detail, that is a luxury missing from this forum. Sometimes the very best I can do is to see the situation, again as it is presented, and delineate for the writer the structure with which they are dealing.
This is not therapy....rather I am attempting to provoke thought in the person writing the question ........to have them take a serious look at the part THEY are playing in their own lives. Do situations exist that are heart wrenching and devastating? Of course they do.......the desolation of lost or unrequited love can be mind-numbing at best and seemingly endlessly devastating at worst. Things in life, however, do follow patterns and, if I can help people discern how their Īpatternā is intersecting with psychological structure, then perhaps they can make better decisions and thus effect a more desirable outcome.
Life can be wonderful and dreadful, (sometimes all in the same day).........and, in some of the questions, the patterns are easier to see. No one has Īdied and made me Godā.......Iām only one of many small voices in the vast web of translators of psychological constructs. Liking the constructs is optional, understanding how relentless those constructs can be ........is not. The fabulous freedom of existence comes in understanding that, when one puts oneself in the way of harm, then, if harm does indeed result, one must also take responsibility for oneās actions and, perhaps, make different choices.
ĪLoveā is an emotion.....a wonderful and incredibly powerful emotion........however, it IS an emotion and to ascribe any OUTCOME to its existence is silliness. You see, it is not the EMOTION that causes the mischief.....it is the ACTION taken on behalf of the emotion for which we are ultimately responsible........and it is to INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY and PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY for our actions that defines us fully as mature humans. You ask, Īhave I ever been in love or felt heartacheā? Nicole, just as you are, I, too, am very human. Iāve just lived longer and had the presence of mind to take copious notes along the way.
One of the wonderful oddities of being human is that, if we pay attention as we go through life, we have the opportunity to learn and grow from our most abysmal errors. Developing a sense of humor helps........and knowing that, somehow, there IS a way out of all this, is part of what Iād like to be able to offer here. Can I MAKE someone do what is, in my never-to-be-humble-opinion, in their best interests? Heavenās no! Have I ever been egregiously stupid and acted contrary to my own best interests because I wanted to believe that I could slip myself past the forces of destruction? Absolutely. Did I learn something in the process?...........yes.....and that is part of what ĪAnnabelleā is all about....that and the incorporation of 6+ years of intensive graduate study and practice in the field.
Remember, we all get a Īroad map to lifeā...the only Īcatchā is that the road map only reads backwards. So, about the best we can do is to, occasionally, check in with someone whoās a little further down the path. That you donāt agree with my approach says that you, too, have a viewpoint......and possibly much that you can add to this profession in your own way. Iām glad that you have taken the time to write, because you address an issue with which I must struggle daily.....with dozens and dozens of incoming questions. Thank you for reminding me to be aware of the pitfalls.
- Annabelle
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