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Q - Dear Annabelle,
What should I do? I met a man on the internet from England. I
am in Missouri. We have been e-mailing each other and recently, this past
week have been phoning each other. He wants me to come over in
August. I want to go, we have gotten close. I know that this is weird and
maybe even a little dangerous.
We have known each other a month and a half. We have spent many
nights talking even as long as 6 hours. It has come to the point were we think of each other
constantly and tell each other we love each other. We actually hunger to be together but I am
afraid of what will happen, especially since we have not met face to face. But we feel connected
somehow. I do feel I am getting too involved in it. And need to get out more. But when I spend time
with him I feel great. What is your advice?
A - Dear Kathy,
You're going to England?? That sounds FABULOUS -- just think of all the museums, art galleries, pubs and parks you'll get to visit...not to mention Harrod's and all those amazingly lovely people! Have a wonderful time!!!
Oh.....that wasn't your question, was it?
Let's see here. Now, imagine that you substitute 'England' out and insert 'the next block from where I live', (so this adventure loses some of it's glitz.) Of course, having a 'pen pal' is a time-honored tradition and has led to many a wonderful life-long friendship. This current situation of yours could be just the same.....you've encountered a new friend.
The chances of it turning into anything of a lasting nature romantically are just as small, (actually smaller), than they would be if the fellow were from around the corner, given possible familial, cultural and expectational differences. There's a part of any new and potentially exciting romantic relationship called 'limerance' where the newfound friend is seen through our own filter of desire for......?
That's why, in any relationship, the 'getting to know' you phase is followed by the 'oh, I didn't know THAT about you' phase. And that takes about 2-3 years to actually happen. The honeymoon phase in ANY relationship, including work, and in every general life situation, is a mixture of projections of our own expectations and experiences. That is to say, it's not quite 'real', (since it's our own invention).
This doesn't mean this whole thing might not turn out to be eternally terrific, just that the chances are not good. Now, as to whether or not it's dangerous. Of course it is! Your mom and others have worked very hard their whole lives to keep you safe -- what you do with that much-loved life is your decision now......at 24 you're officially a 'grown-up'.
Now, pretend you have a daughter -- you -- what advice would you give her? "Just be really cautious", -- and you probably have a pretty good idea what THAT means. Try this. Look back over your intended actions from an imaginary vantage point of a couple of years from now.......what would you have had yourself do? Remember, in Ms. Annabelle's vast experience -- which has included picking up a sleeping bag and flying off to Merry Olde England, -- on a whim yet!, for six weeks (ahem), life is to be LIVED -- however, Ms. Annabelle heartily recommends your being aware that very bad, as well as very good, things can happen very unexpectedly! Translation: That ANYONE survives their 20's is nothing short of a miracle.
If you do go, and, if you have the time and money that is probably a very good possibility that you will, just have a real good 'talk' with yourself about how to deal with things gracefully. Are there serial murderers out there who tempt young women to a bad end? You bet there are! There are also perfectly nice people out there as well.
You say you've 'known' this person for six weeks and that you're 'in love'. What you are is in love with your projection of who this person is. It's just that simple. ;)
- Annabelle
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