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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am in a relationship with a man who moved from Sweden to be with me. He gave up his job, car and apartment, and friends and family. We met on the internet and he visited me twice to see if we liked each other, and we did. Now that he is here, I am discovering that I am falling out of love with him. Also, my 13-year old daughter hates him.
There is no way she will ever come around, and I don't think it would make a happy life if he and I married or lived together. How can I gently break off the relationship without hurting his feelings? I have dropped hints but he doesn't pick up on them. He says he wants to be with me forever. Please help.
A - Dear Diane,
Oops......
While the Īnet does have success stories about people-meeting-people, there IS a very big downside to it, and what youāve just told me is one of the very BIG problems with net friendships. Projectible fantasies, (which are largely what you get in internet relationships), have a way of vanishing in the cold clear light of reality. While I can certainly identify with this fellowās dilemma, you cannot allow yourself to be further confounded by his seeming inability.....or unwillingness....to find another person to relate to. It must have been a very big thing for him to give up everything, including his family, and come to another country to be with you. Heās probably feeling all sorts of emotions just now. It wouldnāt be the worst idea to write out your thoughts and sit down and talk with him about whatās REALLY going on in your head. For a situation this difficult Īhintsā are not sufficient. You simply must tell him, clearly, how you feel. Itās not fair to either of you for this to continue.
You daughter may likely continue to be a roadblock to your further relationships. Young girls are not noted for their delight in having their fathers so easily replaced and, quite honestly, you owe HER your parental attention. That YOU have need of companionship is very understandable, but her adolescence will be stormy enough without the added stresses of a new, and possibly permanent, man in her life. I donāt know the details of your marital distresses, and I do understand that you have emotional needs too. Itās just that you have ONE chance to be a good parent and shepherd her safely though adolescence. Donāt even THINK of living with a guy unless you want HER to be doing the same.
Parenting is hard enough without handicapping yourself by being a bad example. I know that little of this is what you wanted to hear, and yes, I wish the guy form Sweden had worked out. It didnāt, and now you have to do the right thing,.....for him for yourself, and, most of all, for your daughter.
- Annabelle
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