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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Why do people get married? There is such a large divorce rate these
days, why don,t people just date instead? You can still feel close to
someone and not be married!!
A - Dear Heather,
Your letter doesn't really ask a question. It makes a statement. In fact,
it makes four statements -- all of them very good and thought provoking.
(1) I don't understand why people get married.
(2) Marriage doesn't work (anymore). The divorce rate shows that.
(3) So, smart people should just date.
(4) You don't have to get married to feel close to someone.
Now, I'll respond to them one at a time.
(1) Heather, people get married for lots of reasons, some are very good reasons, and some are silly reasons. Examples of a silly reason: Wanting to get out of your parents' home, wanting to be supported, wanting to be sure you won't be alone, -- are all very silly reasons to marry. For a chance at real happiness, (and that's all anyone ever gets, a chance at being happy; no one -- married or single -- ever gets a guarantee), a person must first find the courage to live on his or her own, becoming a self-sufficient, grown-up person. Then, when the person (you?) has truly 'separated' from their parents considering a marriage with an 'other' is a more reasonable thing to do. (Marriage is NOT 'advanced dating'!)
Examples of sound reasons to marry are: Wanting to raise children, wanting to matter to someone beside yourself, wanting to grow and to have a life together with someone you love and respect. All of these are sound reasons to marry. Marriages entered into for these reasons have a reasonable chance of happiness. Now, with due respect for 'Murphy Brown' and for 'Ellen', every study of child development
Ms. Annabelle has read shows that children are cheated out of a good and sound portion of life when they don't have two loving parents. And, unless the parent happens to be a fictional television star, single mothers cheat themselves out of a lot of life, too.
(2) According to tradition, when a student asked the ancient Greek philosopher, Seneca, whether to marry his sweetheart, the wise man answered: "Marry or not, my child, whichever you do you will regret it." Married people are sometimes happy, sometimes unhappy. This is also true of single people. Lincoln had a saying as well,....."Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be!" The grass always looks greener in the other person's yard. The divorce rate reflects much of that. Interestingly enough though, for as long as records have been kept, most divorces have ended in...........marriage. That is, most divorced people have re-married. What does that tell you? (Some wag labeled the phenomenon as "The triumph of hope over experience!")
(3) The reason smart people often marry, instead of just 'dating' is the same
reason adults eat full meals, and not just the desserts......there's more there! Children suffer through the main course, in order to get dessert. Adults have learned to enjoy it all, soup and salad, meat and potatoes, pasta and fish. Yes, for the most part, 'dates' are more fun than marriage, but 'fun' is only one kind of pleasure. Smart people enjoy it all and, besides, when you do it right, you marry your best friend!
(4) No, you don't have to get married to feel close to someone. In fact, you can
feel close to someone without dating, or kissing, or holding hands, or even meeting face-to-face. You can feel close to someone you know only through e-mail or 'snail mail' correspondence..........that isn't the same kind of closeness two people feel when they've joined in creating a life together.
Understand, Heather, marriage isn't the only way to be happy. Neither is staying single. Some people probably shouldn't marry. They are, literally, the 'unmatchables'. Most people -- not everyone, but a majority -- instinctively want a Significant Other and a family, and for most people "family" means marriage. Does it make any more sense to discard marriage because some married people are unhappy, than it does to discard the idea of staying single because some single people are unhappy?
From your vantage point of 23, marriage doesn't seem a very good idea right now, and reasonably so. The early 20's are for growing and experimenting with what makes YOU a terrific person -- for finding out what works and what doesn't work. At 23 it's unlikely that you're developed enough as a person to weather the roller coaster of life as a single person, much less as a married one.
Not to worry, when you're 'older', (in your middle or, even better, late 20's), you'll have acquired the skills you need to enjoy, not only the exhilarating early parts of a relationship, but also the various cycles that all relationships must ultimately pass through. A successful marriage is a melding of two individuals into a workable 'system' -- (that may not sound romantic from your current viewpoint), but when you are older and have chosen well, having been successfully married for a verrrrrrrrry long time will produce wonderful feelings that you cannot now really understand.
Heather,there's, (usually), time for everything in this world -- enjoy it all!
- Annabelle
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