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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am a confused 46 year old. My children are now 20 and 22. Only one child lives at home. (The other child lives with her boyfriend). I am desperately trying to find what I want and need after many years catering to everyone else's needs including those of my husband. I could feel a void inside of me.
I met a man through the internet and ended up having a weekend liaison with him. The weekend was "nirvana". We have since stopped communicating but I can't stop thinking about him. I have read books, listened to tapes, and even called a psychic. I know the answer is inside of me, but how do I forget about the past and think about the present. Can you tell me if this is normal and what to do to get on with my life?
A - Dear Midlife Crisis,
What you want is to feel like a 'whole' person.........one of the reasons you had the affair is that you've allowed your sense of self to erode over the years, a not uncommon occurance with women in your situation. What you need is to get a grip on reality........something that you, somehow, have allowed to let slip along the way.
In the Christian religion, one of the favorite biblical sayings of Jesus is, "Love thy neighbor as thyself"........somehow people, especially women, it would seem, hear the "Love thy neighbor" part and forget the point of exercise is to first have a healthy love of the SELF. I'm not talking about self-adulation here, or anything out of proportion to reality, but, when the self is not honored, then one risks losing that 'self' entirely in the service of trying to please others......and then nothing very appropriate is accomplished at all.....especially if one goes about looking to be filled up again outside the marital covenant.
In self-realization we find the gift within that we are to give, the attainment of who we are meant to be. Being married, raising children is a noble thing, however, it is my guess that you did not expect reverance in return, you did not set appropriate limits and boundaries and see that the relationships were honored in both directions.
You now feel empty and have looked to someone else to fill you up, that's the root of your fantasies about your bahavior with the person whom you met on the internet. Please read the 'Rules of Being Human'....especially 'Rule #6'.
- Annabelle
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