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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My wife is not well after her delivery. We haven't had sexual relations for the last 6 months and, as per the doctor orders, can't have sex for yet another 3 months. I am frustrated and just longing to have it, but I also love my wife and do not want to trouble her emotionally and physically. What to do ?
A - Dear S.K.,
I wish all answers were this easy.......! When a woman goes through a pregnancy and delivery, there's not only an onslaught of hormones that, while useful for producing a healthy baby, can be very destabilizing to the unprepared.......the husband, for instance.
Your wife has not only produced a miracle, (your child), but has gone through a process that would have left Alice in Wonderland's head spinning....sort of an emotional/hormonal whiplash. Not only that, now there are three of you, not just two. So, what do you get to do?
Be REALLY understanding, that's what. (One of the thing's that is not widely know is that a pregnant woman's IQ actually seems to drop).......feeling really stupid about things is not a great deal of fun...........and, in about two years time, everything returns to normal This is also part of nature's design. There's a term for it, 'primary maternal preoccupation'.
All this doesn't mean that you get left out sexually, just that it's a really good idea if you're clear on the fact that your wife is probably exhausted, somewhat confused, and maybe just a little ticked off that things aren't 'the way they used to be' either.
Your job in all of this is to 'protect the maternal couple' for the....(are you ready for this?}.......first three years. Then it gets to be 'your turn' and your job is then to 'lure' the baby out into the world and show your son/daughter how strong and terrific dad is, (at protecting baby and helping him/her grow more away from mom and into a budding individual).
Now, where does all this leave you sexually? I would hope that you have a better understanding of what your wife has/is gone/going through. There are many ways of enjoying sex that don't actually involve intercourse, but her sexual feelings may not yet have returned. (Bet she could use a footrub!)
Those long showers that you take, (if you're not into sex by yourself on a regular basis), could, possibly be made more pleasurable if you invite her into the shower with you with an offer of a really nice back rub ;). Remember, our skin is the largest organ on the body and tactile sensations can get to be realllllly nice. If you're very clever you might approximate the situation you had while dating. (Remember back to when you enjoyed each other's company and DIDN'T have sex?). Give her nice back rubs in the shower and, if she's rather slow to come to the party, so to speak, just towel her off, tuck her into a bathrobe and take care of yourself later. Right now she could probably use a little pampering and you may have forgotten that there WAS a time when you didn't have sex and you lived through it just fine.
Ask her how she feels, tell her how YOU feel, communication can be a wonderful aphrodisiac.
- Annabelle
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