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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I love my husband of 1 year very much, but he is verbally and even a little bit physically abusive. He also abuses substances. My heart wants to hang on to our marriage, but my head (and my family and friends) say it is destructive. Can I do this to the sanctitude of our marriage vows, to my beloved Dante, to myself? I am passionately in love with and attracted to him, but our relationship is unhealthy. What should I do?
A - Dear Lara,
Well, this is a toughie. Was he abusing when you met him.........during your courtship............after your engagement and before the wedding? Or did all this start after the two of you were married?
You've been married just a year, what could have happened in that time to bring all this about? Is his behavior destructive? *You bet it is!* Is he choosing the substance over you? Absolutely.
Did you marry him thinking you could change him........that you could 'rescue' him? (Now wherever would you have gotten THAT idea?)
Have you had a depressed mother or a substance abusing father or other member of your family? Lara, you knew going in to this marriage what was gong to happen vis a vie this subject. Something propelled you into it. What was it? Did you 'need to feel needed'?
You say he's 'even a little bit physically abusive'. Do you REALLY want my never-to-be-humble opinion? Get yourself OUT of the marriage, (love is NEVER enough), and into counseling.........to find out what it is IN YOU that has drawn you into a 'love' relationship with a destructor.
Marriage vows have 'sanctitude' when they are attended to by both parties, not when one feels free to indulge in abusive, (both substance and physical), behavior. That just makes the other the punching bag.........and...... the really sad little word, the 'victim', Now, does that describe how you want to see yourself?
What should you do? Get yourself to a GOOD marriage and family therapist, or psychologist. If your state has laws against spousal abuse, put him in jail and let a judge sort him out. If you had a two year old, (and it sounds as if you do), behaving this way, you'd put him in 'time out'. Well, deal with it, woman.
- Annabelle
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