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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My husband and I have been married 19 years. We have 3 children. We have
had 5 deaths in our family in the past 3 years. (His parents & brother, &
my parents). I have been getting counseling since 11/97. He says he does
not have any loving feelings for me. He does not desire to make love. He
does not want to discuss his feelings to a counselor or me, or anyone. A
counselor suggested that I make up a verbal separation, one in which he
could not live here, and would be forced to be very alone and face his
fears and maybe come out of it. I am looking for any suggestions, or
information on how to draw up my own separation proposal; please help.
A - Dear Debbie,
I just checked lifeās rulebook and canāt find any warranties about life being either consistently Īfun, fair or rationalā. Or, as my then-four-year-old daughter put it......äThatās not FAIRä!! Debbie, sometimeās things just ARE........and youāve known that for some time. Sounds as if youāre waking up these morningās staring at the ceiling thinking, Īwhatās all THIS aboutā??
Well, remember in the marriage vows? I know you hadnāt counted on Īfor worseā... Īin sicknessā......āfor poorerā......and that end of the continuum. But here you are. Now, what to do about it............? Well, letās see what we can think up here..........
Youāve been married nineteen years and have three children. Youāve gone through FIVE deaths in the past three years and been worn down by who-knows-what-else. Youāre (both) very likely in shock and numb from the strain of it all. You need peace, quiet, something really good to happen .....(a vacation?).....what you probably donāt need is a separation. Except a separation from more stress and strain.
I donāt recall that you ever said how old each of you are, but, if youāre nearing the 40ās then he, at least, is hitting the Īreevaluationā stage in his life. You, as mom of the family, probably havenāt even had a momentās breath to even have the luxury to think about all that. Youāre just stunned. Life can be hard.......and isnāt it interesting that you canāt take any of this to your priest? Now, just what is religion for?
O.K., think a minute. Letās talk just about YOU. We, each of us, carries in us a spark of the divine. Remember the line from the Bible....äIn my Fatherās house there are many mansions?ä Well, who do you suppose lives in those Īmany mansionsā?.........each of US does, Debbie.........and, about right now, yours looks to be in a bit of disarray, yes? Think, for a moment about ĪDivine Graceā.........center yourself and ask for guidance. Now.............listen..the ĪPeace that Passes Understandingā is there for you. Youāve been married for a very long time. Is it possible that your husband is just too too stressed out? That with three children, not enough (______fill in the blank___)........that youāve lost touch with............ each other? Frankly, he sounds depressed.
HE sounds depressed? How Ībout YOU? Do you know that there are Īmarriage encounterā groups? (Although it may be to soon for one of those, just yet). When a man is depressed, often they donāt Īshowā it the way we women do. They just Īshut downā. (He doesnāt feel like making love?.........Debbie, this man needs a serious hug!) I donāt know you well enough to offer more suggestions, but he probably needs some time alone to recollect himself and give some though to what HIS life is/will be all about. Maybe he hasnāt really accomplished anything he considers to be of value.
You say his parents died. That alone ....being on the Ītop step of the ladderā as it were, can really be thought-provoking for a guy. (Whatās it all about, does ANYTHING matter? Will my life have amounted to a hill of beans? Or am I just marking time and living in this world for nothing?) Itās all very complex. Add to that ,that most guys wouldnāt DREAM of just falling down on their knees and crying, well, you get the picture.
Then, thereās you, Debbie. Mom to three kids, without your own parents now. Hey, itās rough. I just get to read your letter and write back my impressions...YOUāRE the one that has to live it day to day. This is where REAL prayer comes in....the kind where you get in touch with the inner spark of the Supreme Being.
If I go on, this will just get too too long. Get a babysitter. Hop in the bathtub, heck, get in the shower with your husband and just give him a REALLY good back rub (you get my drift), cry together, give it some time. Thereās a way through this.......more than likely youāre gonna want to forget about those papers.
- Annabelle
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