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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am a 27 year old female. For the past 3 1/2 years I have been
fighting a disease known as endometrosis. I have a wonderful husband
and 2 great children. Until about 7 months ago I was very happy with my
life, that is, until I had to have a total hysterectomy. My whole life
has changed since then.
You see, I had been dealing with constant pain and my doctors did
not want to do a hysterectomy because of my young age. I had 3
laparoscopies, one being a biopsy, then a tubal ligation. During the
third one they removed my appendix and my right ovary. I did ok for
about 6 months, then things got really bad, so they decided to do a
total hysterectomy. I now take medication every day. Things have been
better as far as the pain, but now I am very unhappy.
My husband and I are on the verge of divorce and I feel like I am a
total fruit cake. I am now in the process of seeing a therapist but my
husband wants to go with me and I just don't feel like I'm ready to go
to marriage counseling with him yet. My husband and I have been
together for 13 years. We have only been married for 6 years. A lot of
things have happened through our relationship that have hurt us both but
yet we stay together.
I'm just not sure if this is where I want to be in life anymore. He
tells me that he loves me and, for some reason, I can't accept his love
anymore. A part of me will always love him but I don't think it's the
kind of love he needs and deserves. He is a great man and any woman
would be honored to have him, except me. I don't understand what has
happened to me to make me feel like this. Please, I know you don't have
all the details but even the smallest advice would help. Please reply
ASAP.
Thank you.
A - Dear Rosemary,
You titled your inquiry ĪExcept meā.......I think what you really
meant to say was Īaccept meā.........and I think that YOU no longer
Īacceptā you. I think youāre feeling Īless thanā, as in Īless than a
womanā, Īless than a loverā Īless than a personā, Īless than a
wifeā........maybe even Īless than a motherā.
Sometimes, when we lose, (what our unconscious considers), a vital
body part, a part of us Īdiesā a little too. I could be wrong, but, as
I read your letter and consider, not only what you have written -- just
as information, but also the syntactical structure reflecting your
confusion and subconscious feelings, I sort of Īgetā that you donāt love
YOU very much right now.
Youāve had a long hard time with a very difficult disease and you
could not have avoided the outcome. Your feelings, or lack of them are
not uncommon.......(thank heaven you DO have two children). There are
women in your situation who have lost their ability to bear children and
who have never had any at all. Yes, marriages DO fall apart over
this.........itās tough because youāre probably carrying unconscious
beliefs of which you are, (of course), entirely unaware about yourself
and about how life is Īsupposedā to be structured. You say that you and
your husband have had other tough times. Well, right now, with the
stress, the hormonal adjustments and with whatever your unconscious is
putting you through, youāre really in a dreadful muddle......and rightly
so!
You (probably) feel betrayed by your body. Well, letās think about
this in reverse. Men often develop prostate cancer. Now, of course,
with modern methods, they donāt always lose their Īabilitiesā, shall we
say, but some do. How would you feel if your husband were to lose the
use of a vital body part? What makes you valuable to your husband --
and family -- and, ultimately, to yourself, is not that you have the
complete inventory of parts that you were born with, but that you are
YOU,........even though you are going through this dreadful struggle.
I am making a couple of assumptions: one, that you are on hormone
replacement therapy, (the endocrine/hormonal system is -- probably -- fairly
central to you current Īfeelingsā), and, two, that you are seeing a very GOOD psychologist who has a handle on this. (In my never-to-be-humble-opinion,
I would suggest Īgrief counselingā.....you have obviously suffered a very
traumatic loss). Sometimes things just take time.......more often than not, more
Ītimeā than we would like. This is where faith comes in. I donāt know
if you are a religious person, or what your core beliefs are, but you
WILL get through this. There are people out there who care about you,
not just your husband and children.
Your children, of course......and I must tell you this, will be
impacted by having a Īdepressed motherā. That you be loving to them,
all mushy and huggy, or as least as much of it as you can stand, is
really vital to their healthy development.
That your husband wants to go to therapy with you is a good
sign..........it might be a useful thing if you did Īlet him
inā..............heās scared too. You have journeyed through Īthe
valley of the shadowā...........and it has left itās mark. Youāre a
married woman..... remember the part about Īin sickness and in healthā?
There is sunshine out there, you just donāt feel it right now, how
could you? Yes, things can be confusing and, yes, we do shut down,
sometimes..............and sometimes it takes a long time to recover.
Actually, and as bizarre as it may sound, just Īgoing through the
motionsā of Īactingā happy can actually help. A study was done where
people with depressed moods were asked to Īsmileā for ten minutes and
then tested for any relevant reactions. Those who were willing to
continue the Īas ifā behavior reported -- in surprisingly large numbers
-- actually feeling better. You might try that.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
- Annabelle
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