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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been married for 4 years and some months now. I was 17 at the time, and I didnât know what love was. I thought I Îlovedâ Andy before I got married, and now I realized I donât love him. He is a very nice guy -- no complaints. He gives me everything he possibly can -- anything I ask for, he gets it for me. He even sends me to school. I like him very much and I don t want to hurt him.
I have fallen in love with someone else and I feel as though I canât even have sex anymore with my husband. (We have sex, like, once a month). I just donât feel like having sex with him. The other guy, I love him so much. I meet him almost every weekend. I love him
Please, tell me what to do?
A - Dear Narisha,
Though I donât know the cultural mores in your country, 17 is virtually always too young to marry.........a young girl is just beginning to take the Îtour of her emotionsâ, as it were, and sheâll get the Îroller coasterâ effect, (as you are now with this other fellow), a few times before youâre ready to make a choice about a life mate.
If you do not have children, then your situation is a little more flexible. If you DO have children, then the situation is decidedly different and you owe them an intact, two-parent home, (with a mother who is mature enough to accept the consequences of her impulsive actions and act with honor and integrity......i.e., to honor the commitment she made to the man she married, her husband, and the father of those children).
The 20âs are a time of testing and of change, thatâs why I never recommend getting married until the very LATE 20âs.
What you will do about your current situation, I donât know, but, from your letter, I would guess that your emotions lead you life, and not the other way around. It would be of great benefit to you if you actually thought about your plan for your life.......do you even have one? If you go through life simply Îgiving inâ to every whimlet, you will always have many problems.
Youâre 22, which is still an age for impetuous decisions, so what I may say to you is going to sound as if Iâm an old Îfuddy duddyâ,........someone who has never Îlived, loved or even ever HAD a lifeâ. (As in, Îwhat the heck does SHE know??â)
ÎFollowing oneâs heartâ may sound romantic, but it usually results in feeling cheated.......and rightly so. Life is best led when one has a life plan, much as a business has a business plan (structure, accountability, goals, rules to live by, etc.,)....
but this is usually best done at a slightly more mature age. Youâre definitely in a quandary. You made a Îgrown-up decisionâ before you are really a Îgrown upâ....and youâre asking ME what you should do????
If your husband is so wonderful......(and, remember, YOUâRE the one who just had to get married to this person), ask yourself what would happen if you started treating him the way you feel he deserves........AS a Îwonderful personâ.
Without centering yourself, you lack Îintegrityâ and can be swayed by the latest temptation. Remember, character counts, and, while you did make what may be a life changing decision at 17, you can learn to be happy with that decision if, instead of looking constantly at the things you DONâT have, you create rejoicing for what you DO have.
This will continue to be difficult for you...................just remember, one day you will be looking back over you life. Think on this: Of what will you be proud and what may cause you grief?
- Annabelle
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