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Q - Dear Annabelle,
Without any 'legalistic;' 'ceremonial' or 'traditional' b.s., when
a marrage is covenanted, committed to and publically declared to family
and friends and then privately consummated and there is a subsequent
pregnancy, and the women leaves and will not talk nor communicate with
you in any way and in fact even refuses delivered flowers as a propitiation,
what is the course of action to pursue? Would you be willing to become
personally involved in this matter to help me understand, from a woman's
point of view, what would be the best course of action to take.....?
A - Dear DCARS,
Dear DCARS: (You are getting, not only Ms. Annabelle's answer, but
also the answer of Ms. Annabelle's supervisor -- soon-to-be head of the
Psychoanalytic Department)
A 'marriage covenant' is just that -- marriage. To assume that,
for whatever reason, you do NOT need to go thorugh a 'legal, traditional
ceremony' is to simply fool yourself into thinking that, what has worked
for generations can be suspended for your personal wish and whim.
It is quite immature to separate oneself out 'from the herd' as it
were when involving others. That is something a child will do in the "I
want what I want when I want it" mode. Miss Annabelle sounds very
naggingly moralistic here, it is true, however it is you who has asked a question
that is not at all new.
(This very same question was very big in the 60's and seems to be
resurfacing with great regularity now). What you wish to do in your
private life that affects no one else is your very private business.
When you perform an act -- creating life -- that impacts, not only on
the group, (society), as a whole, but especially on the life of an
innocent, (the child resulting from your actions), then, whether or not
you FEEL -- and 'feel' is the key word here -- you wish to submit to
'society's norms', is irrevelant. By your very selfish actions, you
have set yourself, and your child, outside the protection of the group
and it is the child, and in some way, yourself, who will pay --
emotionally -- for your arrogance.
You say that you have given the mother of the child flowers in the
(very) vain hope that the act of giving something so impermanent would
cause her to fall once again into your arms. The correct -- and likely
more effective thing to do is to get your act together and be a man.
Marry the lady and be a husband, ('husband' means 'to take care of'), to
her and a DAD to your child.
You have taken on adult priviledges without assuming the adult
responsibilities. This is NOT what a man does......these are the acts
of a child. Miss Annabelle expects more of you.
Answer two:
Your letter doesn't say what really happened. But it says more than you
may have meant to say...........and you're probably not going to like this answer.
If there are couples so mature and so emotionally stable that they can
make marriage work without what you call "legalistic, ceremonial,
traditional b.s.," you and your, (former), partner are definitely not such a
couple. The facts in your letter end any argument about that. You sound
injured that she won't speak to you, even though "there is a subsequent
pregnancy." Give Ms. Annabelle a break! There is a subsequent pregnancy???!!!
DCARS, you sound young, but not too young to know where babies come from.
Have you internalized that information? It may be appropriate to say"there
is a subsequent earthquake." Earthquakes are impersonal, beyond human
control. Pregnancy is the 180 degree opposite of impersonal. And is it ever
within human control! That pregnancy is something you and she did! From the
fact that she won't have anything to do with you, Ms. Annabelle guesses that
you and she disagree about how to deal with the pregnancy. And you're outraged
that she "will not talk nor communicate with you in any way and refuses flowers delivered as propitiation."
Flowers?
If there is to be a baby, you and she owe it a loving, two-parent home. Try
offering that....marriage......instead of flowers. If she agrees, the baby won't
be the only one to enjoy it. Living up to your responsiblity will give your life
a purpose beyond the self-obsession obvious in your letter. Your life will be
richer than you can imagine now, and you'll enjoy it a lot more, once you
understand why a woman may be upset to be pregnant and doesn't think a bunch
of flowers makes it all OK.
If there isn't to be a baby and she still doesn't want to see you, leave her
alone. Find someone else. Next time, do things properly. Try to be man enough
to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Why keep
embarrassing yourself with complaints like the ones in your letter?
- Annabelle
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