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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am a 32 year old professional that is involved in a very emotionally abusive marriage. I can't seem to build up the courage to leave and start fresh. Every time I start thinking about it, he improves and the entire cycle starts up again. I have heard everything that there is to hear about the subject, but I just can't, or better yet won't ,get out. As a result of this relationship I have gotten myself into $33,000 worth of debt. My self esteem is in the dumps and I need some help!!!!
A - Dear Ana,
I can empathize with your predicament. You DO need help. Iâm sending some web-based information for your research. Abusers abuse, itâs as simple as that. That you are not, (currently), able to get out, is not uncommon, but you MUST get out -- and as soon as possible. Abusers are sick.....they do NOT, without court intervention, ( and sometimes not even then, get Îbetterâ). They are Îbrokenâ people and have a firm, fixed, and unshakable belief that they are right and that you are a viable and justified target. Give it up, get out, leave. Now.
When will you do this? Well, youâll do it when youâre Îsick and tired of being sick and tiredâ..............and only you know when that moment is. That you are Înot being physically beatenâ is an insidious form of abuse. That you think Îitâs not as bad as what others sufferâ is insidious as well. Would you allow a child to be treated this way? Why are you VOLUNTEERING to be treated this way?? Get help.....you need it....NOW.
Type in ÎDomestic violenceä on the search engine Îdog pileâ
http://www.dogpile.com
and all the search engines will give up their listings. I do hope this helps. Ask yourself. .............Just what would your daughter have to do to deserve being treated as badly as you allow this man to treat you? Thereâs nothing.....right?
Ana, when you are willing to stop being a victim, you will STOP being a victim.
Here are a couple of things that have come over the net:
Domestic Violence at Your Fingertips
By Donna deMedicis
Her Story - United States Court of Appeal - 4th Circuit
This is very different from Court TV. This is not designed to entertain. There are
no dancing graphics, no animated .gifs. But the stories are there. This is simply the
history of all cases that appeared before the U.S. Court of Appeal - 4th Circuit. A
searchable database allows access to all cases. Enter the keywords 'domestic
violence.'
They were married in Dec. 1991. She had a 14-year old daughter from a
previous marriage. He was an alcoholic.
On Friday, they went to a local bar. At some point during the evening, they
began to argue. There is no mention of what the fight was about. She left and went to
another bar and he soon joined her there.
He was drunk and disruptive at the second bar, and at about 2:30 a.m., the
bouncer made him leave. She stayed another 15 minutes.
He says that due to an alcoholic blackout, his last memory of that night was
leaving the second bar and going to yet another bar across the street. It is unknown
whether these blackouts were common, nor does it say whether or not he ever sought
help for them.
On Saturday, he was due at work at 7 a.m. He never showed. A co-worker
called his residence about 8:10 a.m., and he said he would not be coming into work
that day.
The woman's daughter had a house guest, and when they came downstairs
about 10 a.m., she looked into her parent's bedroom. She saw him, but she couldn't
see over him to see whether her mother was on the bed.
He first hurt her that morning. She suffered a head injury which included a
laceration to the forehead. Investigating officers later testified that she lay on the bed
'for an extended period.' The blood saturated one pillow, soaked through the sheet and mattress cover, and pooled on the mattress of the bed. During the trial, the government presented evidence that he pulled the covers over the blood to hide the darkening
stains.
At this point, he placed his wife in the trunk of his car. The state presented
evidence of blood, urine and scratches and dent marks on the inside of the trunk door
as evidence that she was locked in the trunk of this car for extended periods over the
next five days.
He says he came out of his alcohol-induced blackout some time that afternoon.
He discovered his wife on the back seat of the car under a blanket. She was
unconscious with blood in her hair and on her clothes. He was 'shocked and scared.'
He decided not to take her to a hospital but to treat her himself. They spent
Saturday night on the side of the road as he tried to clean her with a washcloth.
On Sunday, he stopped at a K-Mart and purchased shampoo, a razor, hydrogen
peroxide, a pair of sweat pants and a package of T-shirts. They spend the night in a
hotel.
On Monday, he drove to a hotel 10 miles from their residence, and withdrew all
of the money contained in their joint savings account.
On Tuesday, he drove her to Georgetown, Ky., where they registered at another
hotel. He bought 'various items' to treat her.
There is no mention of where they stayed or what she endured on Wednesday.
On Thursday, he drove to Corbin, Ky. where at 1 p.m., he registered at yet
another hotel. He testified that his wife was beyond his efforts to treat her, so at 6:15
p.m., five days after he claims he came out of his blackout, he brought his wife to the
emergency room at Baptist Regional Medical Center in Corbin.
Her condition was desperate. That's the word they used in the legal papers -
'desperate.' She had a 3-inch laceration on her forehead and two black eyes. She had three additional wounds on her forehead that were still bleeding when the police
photographer arrived.
She had a subconjunctive hemorrhage in her right eye and corneal abrasions
from wearing her contact lenses continually for almost a week. She had bruises
around her throat, abrasions on her knees and pressure sores on her feet. She had
ligature bruises on her wrists, and her ankles had been similarly bound, resulting in
permanent scars.
Internally, it was even worse. She suffered from a very severe anoxic brain
injury, a condition which results when nerve cells are destroyed due to a lack of
oxygen. This condition results from a loss of flow of blood to the brain. Finally, as a
result of not receiving adequate food or water for at least three or four days, she
suffered from profound dehydration and renal failure.
Today, many of her injuries have left permanent scars. She is still unable to
follow commands and has minimal comprehension of what is said to her. She lacks
the ability to talk, and she is capable only of making vowel sounds. She is incapable of feeding herself and relies on a gastrointestinal tube. She is incontinent, suffers severe contractions in her arms and legs and the only voluntary movements she can perform is the slight extension of her left knee. Her sense of hearing, smell and sight have been impaired.
She will never walk again, but with years of rehabilitation, she may learn to feed
herself and to talk.
He was arrested at the emergency room. Because of the roundabout trip that
he took while systematically torturing his wife, he was charged with kidnapping and
interstate domestic violence.
The jury found him guilty of all counts. He was sentenced to life imprisonment
for the kidnapping conviction, a concurrent 20 year sentence for domestic abuse, a five year term of supervised release and $40,000 in fines.
But there are still unanswered questions.
How long did her keep her in the trunk of the car? She can't answer these
questions herself, she cannot speak. When did she lose consciousness? During her
periods of consciousness, did she think of her daughter? Was this child alone in a
house while her mother was being systematically tortured? There is a missing day in
the transcript. What horrors did she suffer then? Where is she now? Does he
understand what he did to her? Does he understand what he did to her daughter?
He appealed to the 4th Circuit Court, claiming numerous errors by the trial
court. He lost. But her story remains, forever captured within the cases of the 4th Circuit Court, in a searchable database for anyone who types the words 'domestic violence.'
United States Court of Appeals, Fourth Circuit
United States v. Baily
The Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence
Violence Against Women Message Board
Domestic Violence Handbook - You're Not Alone
The National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA)
NOW and Violence Against Women
Texas Police Use Web to Snag Suspects of Domestic
Violence By LAYLAN COPELIN
c. 1998 Cox News Service
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊAUSTIN, Texas -- The next arrest of a family violence suspect
may be just a mouse click away.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊThe Austin, Texas, Police Department is posting the names and
descriptions of hundreds of suspects charged with family violence on its
Web page, hoping that neighbors, friends or co-workers of victims of
abuse may turn in a suspect who has eluded the police.
Ê Ê Ê Ê Ê``About every police department has a Web page with a Ten
Most Wanted List,'' Sgt. John Jones said. ``We're expanding that theory.''
The police warn that people should not try to apprehend a suspect.
Instead, phone 356-4249 to report the suspect's whereabouts.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊFamily violence accounted for 9 of Austin's 40 homicides in
1997. While the police arrest many people at the scene of a family
disturbance, many times the suspect has fled before police arrive.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊDespite the high profile of family violence, the Austin Police
Department has struggled to serve arrest warrants quickly. Felony crimes,
Assistant Chief Michael McDonald said, always have taken priority over
misdemeanors. Many charges from a family disturbance are
misdemeanors.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊIn April, Sylvia Hernandez, an Austin American-Statesman
employee, was killed. An arrest warrant was outstanding for her
estranged boyfriend, Leonard Saldana, on a previous family disturbance
charge. The misdemeanor warrant had been outstanding for 11 days
before police phoned him at home and asked him to turn himself in. Three
days later, on the day Saldana was supposed to surrender at police
headquarters, he was arrested and charged in the stabbing death of
Hernandez.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊWhile many police departments use Web sites for lists of
high-profile criminals, Jones said he only knows of San Diego using it to
fight family violence. The Austin experiment is patterned after San Diego's
Web site.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊThe fugitive listing includes the suspect's name, race, sex, height,
weight and the criminal charge. The entire list, however, cannot be
viewed at one time. A visitor to the Web site must either enter a name or
the first two letters of a name.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊThat design was intentional, though it discourages searching the
entire list.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊJones said the police expect that neighbors, friends or co-workers
who believe that a friend or neighbor is being abused will know the name
of the suspect. Plus, police did not want out-of-date lists to be printed and
circulated. The electronic version will be updated every other day.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊWhen the police get a tip, an officer will be dispatched. But, just
as in other arrests, Jones said no arrest will be made until the warrant is
confirmed as still valid.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊHundreds of suspects will be listed on the Police Department's
Web site. Law enforcement officials this week tried to clear some of the
backlog - 450 warrants, some dating back to 1992. The Austin police,
Travis County's constables and sheriff's deputies made 117 arrests. Still,
more than 300 are unaccounted-for. Police said 60 are believed to have
moved out of state, and there is no local address for another 150.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊServing old arrest warrants can be tricky, especially in family
violence cases. Many times, the couple may have reconciled, and the
arrest may prompt more violence. To guard against that, the local
battered victims' shelter, legal aid lawyers and members of the Women's
Advocacy Project helped police.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊThe organizations either provided counseling or shelter to crime
victims, answered legal questions and even processed emergency
protective orders if the arrested suspect threatened anyone. The orders
keep the suspect away from the victim for 31 days.
Ê Ê Ê Ê ÊJones said the fugitives' listing is a 90-day experiment. If it
works, he said, other crimes may be added to the Web site.
- Annabelle
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