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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We started young, @ 19. All was well until 8 months ago when I " fell " into a depression and couldn't shake myself out of it.
Then, 4 months ago, I noticed that my wife - Jane - was starting to become distant from me. I knew this instinctively and started to " cling " - her word - to her. I found out 4 weeks ago that she was having an affair.
This affair started at the same time I felt she was distant from me. Since that time, we have gone to counseling, ( 4 weeks ago ), and I realize why she did, felt, and is still feeling how she is,
The problem I have, and maybe it is MY problem is that I have truly forgiven and am trying to forget. ( I don't throw it in her face ), about the affair. I have, am, and will always be making sure that what I went through has stopped and will never happen again. I was on a down-swing.
I withdrew from my family and I know why, (re: John Bradshaw). However, after I found out about the affair, Linda told me she " fell out of love with me " 3 months ago. She now says that she needs 'time to get the feelings back'. I have recognized what my part in this has been and I am scared that 18+ years of our lives will be over because of 6 months of my stupidity.
At this point of time, I am afraid to even touch my wife in fear that she will get upset that I'm not giving her room or at the least that she totally ignores me.
My question is - Is there anything I can do to help this or do I just let her work this out? What if I'm not around when she finally works this out?
A - Dear Patrick
What a complicated, yet completely understandable, problem! There are two parts to it, your and hers. Letās do yours first.
Men really do go through a Īmidlifeā-type crisis at about your age and it can take many forms....yours sounds about Īaverageā, (thatās not a pejorative), and it sounds as if youāve a great deal of good sense, as well. Youāve just passed through the Īquestioningā stage and are coming into resolution of your questioning......unfortunately, as sometimes happens, your wife stepped off the path......(something that women sometimes do when they feel taken for granted or unappreciated), No one is perfect, itās just best if things like this never happen. However, they do and, if repair is possible, then itās good to tend to those repairs.
You say your wife had a brief affair......sometimes, as I said, women just need to feel appreciated. Just as Ībeing a manā isnāt always easy, there are burdens that can weigh heavily on a wife, and someone coming along at an opportune time who has kind words to say will sometimes receive inappropriate attention. The Īlove-bucketsā on both sides can seem hopelessly empty sometimes.
Yes, it will take time for her to regain her feelings for you. Keep in mind that, in all relationships, things go in cycles and very few people are ever Īin loveā all the time. Youāve both been through a difficult time......hey, all marriages go through this. The ones that work through the difficult stuff come out stronger.
One thing that statistics, as well as empirical evidence, bears out is that marriages that are dissolved for reasons other than substance or physical abuse or outright criminal activity appear to have a higher Īregretā factor. i.e., the participants usually express a desire to have worked through their differences rather than to have split from each other.
It sounds as if you two have good communications skills now. Keep in mind that whatever it was that originally attracted you to each other is, most likely, still in play and, given a bit of time, and willingness on both sides, along with a recommitment to your future together, things will most likely turn out as you wish them to.
Much good luck to you.
- Annabelle
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