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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have sent you before one of my problems and you helped me a lot, so please
help me again because your help can save my marriage. I am Egyptian and Muslim.
I have been married for two years now, I am 25 and he is 36 and it was an
arranged marriage, (meaning that he was looking for a partner and someone
suggested me and he proposed to me and I agreed).
Marriage came after only 6 months of engagement, and during this period I knew some of the bad qualities of my husband, he is very stubborn, he cares a lot about money, (meaning that he does not spend any penny unless it will be very useful to him).
Also, he was engaged before to a girl and he left her without mentioning the
reason to me, and the only thing he told me was that she kept calling and
begging him to marry her, but he took the decision to leave her. (When he told
me this I don't know why I thought that there was not enough reasons to leave
her). In addition, when we were engaged, we had problems about the furniture. I felt that he would leave me so easily just because he does not like to have problems of any kind in his life and I am the one who called him to solve this problem.
Since the first day of our marriage he was always nice to me but I was faced with the two qualities I mentioned before, that he wouldn't buy me any thing unless it is my birthday or our marriage anniversary, and he would get me very small un-useful things which costs very little. He is very stubborn whenever we have a decision that concerns our life.
For example, he insisted that we don't have babies during our first year of
marriage, (and I agreed). After this year we agreed to get a baby but we waited
for a whole year without anything happening. I decided to do my medical tests to see if I have any problems preventing me from getting pregnant. They were all okay, but he was stubborn again this time to do his own test.
He told me that he would never do the test and also, If he did it and found that he had any problems, he would not take any medicine. I kept convincing him to do it because I would love to have a baby especially that he stays for long hours in his work and I feel lonely. Now we had a small fight because we were sleeping in different bed rooms for a while He was sick, (stomach problems), and he could not sleep in an air conditioned room, (which is our bedroom), so I slept in the other room until he recovered, but he is still afraid that the air conditioning would harm him.
Then I asked him to go back to my room and he would go to the other room for awhile (because I can't sleep all the summer in this room as the bed is uncomfortable). At the end of the fight I asked him why he does not love me anymore and, if this is true. He answered, Îyes it is trueâ. I kept crying, and then he suddenly left the home for a whole week without calling me, even once. My father called him concerning this, but he said that he needs to be alone for a while and he told my dad that I am greedy, (although I don't ask him for money except for very rare times). He also told my father that I am selfish because I asked him to sleep in the other room. He also told my father that I always cry for any thing and that he can't stand it.
I agree that my main bad quality is that I am so sensitive and I easily cry if I am hurt or, of course, when I feel that I am not loved any more by the one I share my life with. He is not back home and I can't call him because of my dignity and also because I feel hurt by the things he told to my dad. The other thing I am afraid of is that he would ask for divorce and that would destroy my life. I don't know what to do and none of his family would like to interfere.
A - Dear Rania,
Well, what you have here is a Îmessâ. (Technical term, do not try this at home). Your husband is NOT going to change his attitude about money, nor is his ability to be emotionally giving toward you...or anyone..... going to change. You have, what I call an Îisâ. By that, I mean, what you have NOW is ALL you have........and only you can decide whether or no you wish to continue this way.
You (seem) to be somewhat childlike in your approach to communication and have found an ungiving Îdaddyâ to Îpunishâ you. (Why you are doing this, I have no idea). If your city in Egypt has a tradition of good psychological help, I strongly recommend you get yourself to psychologist........fast. The ONLY way this situation will change is if YOU make some changes in how YOU, not only perceive things, but also how YOU react to things and how you ACT in the world.
(Remember, we (usually) cannot control what happens TO us, but we can almost ALWAYS control how we REACT to what happens to us.!)
This fellow just is who he is. You can ONLY impact on who YOU are. You may have to let the marriage go...........especially if you want a child. This is NOT a Îgivingâ person.
- Annabelle
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