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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My husband and I argue all the time.
I usually end up yelling and he walks away, hurt and angry at me.
I love him and want to make this marriage last.
A - Dear Kayla,
Yes, perhaps I can be of some assistance here. At eighteen, youāve possibly not been exposed to good conflict management skills.......donāt worry, youāre not the first couple to have different styles of arguing.
First, Iām going to suggest a couple of books on communication styles.
20 Communication Tips for Couples :
A 30-Minute Guide to a Better Relationship ~
Doyle Barnett / Paperback / Published 1995
Mars and Venus Starting Over :
A Guide to Recreating a Loving and Lasting Relationship
- John Gray;
Hardcover
There are other books, (and tapes), on communication differences between men and women. Your families-of-origin would also likely have different styles, which is why the two of you seem to be Īspeaking a different languageā....which in fact, you are.
That you love each other is a big plus. Here are a couple of ways you might try communicating until you can get to the library or bookstore.
Try saying, ćWhen you say________________, I feel_____________, and, in the future I would appreciate it if you would ____________________.ä
That way, you can state how the other persons behavior and statements make YOU feel and you donāt BLAME them.
Too, when one of you says something, itās sometimes a good idea to Īrestateā what that person just said. As in, ćIf I understand you correctly, you said_____________, Is that what you wanted me to know?ä
By keeping the exchange as impersonal as possible you can exchange ideas without getting caught up in the additional emotional baggage of what you THOUGHT he meant. Couples often have Īcodedā language..........with the codes meaning different things to each of them. This is one of the reasons itās so important to de-code what is REALLY being said.
Too, you are very young to be married and are going to need to learn this dance...... and it IS a dance, of communication rather quickly so you donāt use all your energies ragging on each other.
Work hard at learning these new, and very valuable skills............the payoff will be absolutely worth it and you will find that your marriage will be strengthened!
- Annabelle
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