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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am 38 years old and have been married for 17 years. I believe I am close to
getting a divorce. I am bored in my marriage. I have lost interest due to lack of trusting my partner. We have two children and I don't know what to do.
The problem has been going on for 7 years. We went to counseling but he did not want to continue to attend. He felt the relationship was getting worse instead of better with the counseling. I felt he did not want to face the real problems.
He enjoys looking at very young woman and woman's bodies. He seems to me that he never gets enough sex. For at least 5 years, he was really into watching porno and connecting into the Internet porno sites.
I am so sick of him. I have been very up front with my feelings. I just worry about my kids. I asked him to leave the house, but he wouldn't. I don't want to waste the rest of my life with someone who is unsure of what he wants, when I can probably meet someone who would be honest and truthful.
I want out and don't know where to start.
A - Dear Anick,
It sounds as if your choices are between being divorced with two children or changing something about YOUR behavior that will make your marriage more bearable. (Keep in mind that we can control ONLY our own behavior, not that of anyone else.) We can AFFECT their behavior, temporarily, but, unless THEY do the changing, (and Īchangeā takes about two years to really Īset upā), well, youāve Īgot what youāve gotā. Period.
You donāt say how old your husband is, or the ages of your children, but you can either stay, or you can go. Since itās almost impossible to know what your life would be like if you left, you might want to find a womenās support group to help you with your thinking process.
Take a piece of paper, divide it into two columns and write at the top of one side Īreasons to stayā and, on the other side,ā reasons to goā. Write as much as you can for several days -- or weeks -- running and the Īreasonsā into categories on another piece of paper. Then, as a possible Īproblem solvingā device, write down for each reason, some OTHER WAY of handling the problem or approaching the situation.
At some point, you will find that you have written great deal. Now, once a week, go back over the entire list, making changes and adding things you hadnāt earlier thought of. Keep this up for four weeks. By then, you will have a much better idea of what youāre REALLY thinking and what other things may be bothering you.
Keep in mind, this exercise is NOT about HIM......itās about you and your developing for yourself better coping skills. There may be something youāve overlooked here, or, maybe not. In any case, itāll get all the fur out of your brain and into more manageable form so you can, by reading over everything, really take a good LOOK at your thought process and at your (possible) options.
- Annabelle
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