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Q - Dear Annabelle,
After 8 1/2 years of marriage,(it's had it's ups and downs, like any good marriage, two children later, my husband told me that, at his bachelor party there was a stripper. The stripper proceeded to take his clothes off down to his underwear. She sat on him, danced and kissed his face. He felt her breasts and her private part.
The worst thing she did was grab his penis. She then moved on and did her routine for the rest of the 40 people who attended. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I have asked him for 8 years what went on and he has always been evasive and said that I didn't need to know.
We have an agreement that he does not go out to strip clubs, and that if he does attend a bachelor party he stays in the back and doesn't get involved. I discussed how I felt about having a stripper for a bachelor party with his best man and the other groomsmen. My husband knew how I felt also. There was no mistake that how I felt about this was made very clear!
After all this time he tells me, and I can picture it in my mind like it was yesterday! I am extremely hurt and very angry at him. He has apologized and said that he was young and stupid and would never do anything to hurt me. He cried a lot and told me that he was so sorry that he hurt me. I feel like a big joke has been played on me all these years. I really don't know what to do.
The funny thing is that my sister-in-law is a stripper and she just got married this April. She refused to allow her finance to have a stripper at his party, because she knows what goes on. Everyone says you can't touch, no kissing, etc. but it happens.
Please respond and let me know what to do, or any advice you have would be extremely helpful. This is nothing to end a marriage over and it may seem like a trivial thing to you, but this is something I have always felt very strong about and I am very hurt by this. I know it will affect my marriage in the future. I am now watching him converse with women and feel jealous or feel that I am watching his every move, to see if he is flirting, looking at other women, etc. Please respond and tell me what I should do.
A - Dear Andrea,
So you DO want to punish your husband forevermore for his error? Seems like a great way to live........or, maybe not? Hey, lighten up here. Should what Îhappenedâ have happened? Well, I donât think the behavior was appropriate, but, what the heck, one good swat across the bottom from Îmommyâ should have done it.......YEARS ago. That youâve hung onto this for all of these years, punishing, punishing PUNISHing him.......and, by extension, yourself, indicates that YOU have the problem, and not him
Whatâs going wrong in YOUR life that you so want to destroy your marriage? That IS what youâre doing, you know. Let it go, woman. He behaved like a dork.....THEN. YOU are behaving like a pouty spoiled brat NOW.....whatâs the point? Youâre upset that she grabbed his PENIS?? YOUâVE got him Îby the ballsâ.....what kind of a marriage IS this? Grow up. Youâre a WIFE!! Thatâs a position of privilege, not a position of vengeance.
Yes, by all means go to a good psychologist......and find out why YOU have such a need to punish HIM......what is it in YOU that you feel so badly about?
(Youâre projecting that guilt onto him, you know.)
Get a grip here.
- Annabelle
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