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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been separated for several months. It seemed likely my husband was fixing to become a daddy not only to our son, but to some girl he had cheated on me with. I moved out and divorce was on the way. One time, after I moved out, I made love to another man, not love I guess, just sex.
I'm sure the guy really thinks I'm easy now, but I could only imagine my husband sleeping with someon else. It turns out, the baby wasn't my husband's after all, and through a lot of time, we are starting to turn things around. But, I still haven't told him about this other guy I was with.
I know I should, but how do I go about it. How do I bring it up?
A - Dear Micah,
Short answer: Yes, you were cheating. No, you don't tell your husband.
Long answer:
Life is full of temptations and vexations, some of which, I think, are there just to make us cranky. Never mind WHY they're there, we must deal with them from, what is often called, our 'higher selves'. Why? Because if we just give in to our feelings when we're under pressure, or when any whim catches our attention, we miss wonderful chances to grow and to improve our character.
You sound like a very thoughtful young woman. Here, at 20, you find yourself in a very difficult situation, indeed, not at all what you had in mind when the two of you said 'I do'. Remember that part? Well, the 'I do' means you've made a commitment, not only to each other and the community, but to your child as well.....your young one deserves two loving parents who have bonded together for his protection and to see that he is well and lovingly raised.
This is one of the reasons that Ms. Annabelle strongly recommends postponing marriage until the middle to late 20's ---- maturity is such an important factor in such a serious step and, as you probably know, maturity is the ability to foresee the consequences of one's actions.
Now, as to just why it is that you were, (also), cheating. You are a married lady, not a divorced one and, from your letter it sounds as if you were not formally, (legally), separated. Ms. Annabelle knows that it's easier to seek solace in such forlorn circumstances, it's just not in your best interests.
Why do you not tell your husband? Well, Micah, there are just some things one keeps to oneself. Whether or not you would like to alleviate feelings of guilt or would just like to 'stick it to him' out of petulance, telling him would be a very foolish thing to do. He will not welcome the news in any way and, in general, men are not nearly as understanding about these things as are women, so just put those actions behind you and tell no one......and that includes girlfriends.
- Annabelle
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