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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My husband and I have had a lot of problems and we've decided to separate which is something very scary. I'm trying to decide if I should move out on my own or go back with my parents, (which will affect my relationship). I don't want to be in a position to get back together. Obviously, space is what we need. Right?
A - Dear Tatiana,
Yes, separation IS scary...........itās probably one of the most profound fears of humans. It is a fear of Īceasing to existā.........of Īannihilationā............of Īnothingnessā.........and EVERYONE has to deal with it. NOW, letās figure this out. At 22, you have already been married. For how long? Did you, before you married, finish your education, preparing yourself for an excellent career, separate from your family of origin, go out in the world and make your own way so you would develop into a strong, confident, full-blown person?
( Not to worry, Iām not baiting you, I already know the answer, but you wonāt be the only one reading this and itās VERY important that other young ladies THINK about how they are going to structure their lives. Youāre actually performing a noble, if cautionary, service here.....thank you.)
One of the very good things about making mistakes, is that you get a chance to learn from them. (Yes, I know it sounds so very much easier if we could just skip over the hard stuff, but actually, trying to Īskip over the hard stuffā is how we often get into trouble in the first place.) Doing things the Īeasy, funā way isn't always doing whatās best for us as people and sometime reality smacks us but good.
ĪSpaceā may be what you need, but what you REALLY need is a plan. You may or may not have married the right person. The fact is, you went ahead of schedule and did a Īgrownupā thing. Now itās important that you deal with your choices in a grownup manner. Stop. Think. You might consider finding a GOOD marriage and family counselor. It could be that you and your husband, (remember, you are a couple and that marriage is a social commitment), might benefit from some redirection.
If there are no children, your options are more open than if you are also a parent. If you do have children, then you owe them a two-parent positive family relationship. You donāt say what area of the country you live in, but if the two of you are willing to honor your marital vows and build a solid marriage, there are very, very good sources to help you do so. Remember to Īcommitment to societyā part? Well, Īsocietyā knows that marriage is hard and is willing to honor your commitment by banding together and helping you through the tough times.
Did anyone TELL you thereād BE tough times? (Did you llisten?) Well, these are some of them. Marriage is not Īadvanced datingā....itās sometimes good, sometimes hard. If you havenāt been prepared, as you grew up in your own family, on how to solve problems, you can learn those skills now. This is how people grow into strong, mature adults.
We donāt quit when things get tough. We learn, we adapt, we mature. Thatās parts of the adventure of being human. Itās part of the privilege of being human. Itās part of the dignity of being human......and itās part of the joy of being human. Iām sending you the ĪRules of Being Humanā. (I know they may sound sort of sappy), but take the time to read them, to think about them, to understand them.
So will they.
- Annabelle
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