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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been married for 2 years with 2 kids. I really love him, but
I can not trust him. He has lied to me about having contact with his
ex-girlfriend. I do understand friendship between ex-whatever, because
I do have a great relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He is married too,
and we do not have anything to hide about. However, my husband does not
want to make his relationship open to me.
Why he has to hide it? I respect their time alone to have lunch or
dinner. But I do not understand why he has to do it sneakily. When I
found it out, I was so hurt and he promised that he will not do it
again. But 2 months later, I found that he was contacting her again, and
tried to hide it from me. Since we had moved to different state, I know
it's just phone calls. But why does he hide it? He tells me that he
will not do it again, but how many times should I repeat before I
realize that I am the stupid one? My father had many girlfriends and I
grew up seeing my mother hurt all the time. (She never left him,
though). So, I have very hard time trusting men, to begin with. In
addition to it, from my own experiences, I know it is very hard to find
a man who do not cheat.
When I met my husband 9 years ago, I was deeply depressed because
of my past relationship and always thinking about killing myself. My
husband rescued me. I became able to feel many things again including
joy. I was very happy until this. I started to feel like before, I do
not feel like getting up. Picking up my own baby bothers me. I started
to have more thought about "if I kill myself..."(I do not want to do it
though.) Please tell me what should I do to make things better. Of
course, nothing is certain in this life, but if I...............
I am sorry, I can not continue, because I feel so bad. My husband
is a great man, should I close my eyes about this little point?
A - Dear Mieuki,
One of the great problems (and heartaches), of being "Miss
Annabelle" on the net, is that the voices that come through my email are
not my patients at the clinic, and questions like yours deserve so much
more than I can do for you through the email system.
I hear your heartache at the realization that your love is not true
to you. If I assume that you are Japanese, and live in Japan, then you
have a culture where many, if not most, of the Japanese men think that
having extramarital affairs simply as part of life. I've always wondered
how the Japanese wives can stand this without heartbreak. It must be
devastating to you.
Whether or no the same opportunities are available to you, (and it
is my understanding that they are not), that does not solve the problem
that you now have. Part of my great concern is that suicide is such a
respected way of life in your culture and you have mentioned that it is
in your thoughts.
That you have young babies should be a joy to you, and yet you have
pain. Would you mind keeping up occasional dialogues while you find a
GOOD therapist?
You did mention one thing that will very probably be the best
solution, 'closing your eyes about this one point' will most probably be
the most workable outcome. If you have not read James Clavelle's great
book 'Taipan' I do recommend it to you. If my memory serves correctly,
(and it may have failed greatly across the years), I do remember that
the man was shared by more than one woman, quite successfully. I was in
my very early 20's when I read it and quite shocked by it, (as many
things were wont to shock me in those days), but I have come to realize
that the world is not as kind or as orderly as we would have it.
We owe things, not only to ourselves, but also to our families and
to our future -- the future not only of our own countries but also to
the future of the world -- and it will not do well if, when our hearts
break, we kill ourselves. It is known that, when a bone breaks, in the
healing of it, the point at which it was broken becomes stronger. Our
lives can become like that too.
It is hard to hear the nightingale when our hearts are breaking,
but what does not kill us outright does make us stronger. Be strong for
yourself and for your children and you may find that, like the cherry
trees you will blossom again...........you have much to give this world,
and I am here to listen.
- Annabelle
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