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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My boyfriend and I are are really having problems. He tells me he
loves me but he won't make a commitment to marriage. We have been
together for 6 years. (We argue a lot).I know I love him, but I don't
know if he really wants to be with me or if he is just staying with
me 'cause of the kids
A - Dear Confused,
As nagging as this sounds, *you already have what you want*. You
have a man with whom you can have a sexual relationship. (If you had
wanted to have a marital relationship, you would have done things
differently). Though it's not always true, with many males, if the
female is willing to proffer sex without demanding legal protection
for herself and for any possible offspring, then that's just what
she'll get.
You say that you don't know if he's 'just staying with me 'cause
of the kids'........(that's not the worst thing that could happen). At
least he's honorable and interested in being a good father, seeing that
there's an intact two-parent home!
The two of you might look into relationship counseling so you can
learn to communicate more clearly. When you were first together, there
was obviously great attraction. You've stayed together six years,
despite living in a culture that does not demand a marital commitment
before children are born, so you most likely have a basis for
continuing the pairing.
Who knows? He may come to understand more clearly what marriage
means to you and see you as valuable enough to make that commitment
with him. Much good luck to you!
- Annabelle
(the following is a reply from 'Confused's' boyfriend)
Q - Dear Annabelle,
This is confused's boyfriend, (she wrote you telling you I don't
want a commitment), that's only partially correct. At this point in time
I don't, because she constantly lies to me and I always catch her in the
lie. She has cheated on me when I've been faithful for 6 years, and she
talks to other guys on the phone and when she goes out. Now, if I was to
talk to another female, she would blow her top and get an attitude with me.
When she does this I'm not suppose to say anything, I'm just suppose
to sit back and watch her talk to these guys and not say anything. So
it's not that I don't want to commit, it's just that I don't want to get
married and within the first year we get divorced because of the above.
Do you think I'm being reasonable in my thinking?
A - Dear Confused's boyfriend,
Yes, I do think your thinking sounds reasonable. There are always two sides to every story, with the truth being somewhere in between. You both might benefit from the good services of a marriage and family therapist.
That you have been 'faithful for six years' says much good about your character and, if you are in the culture I think you are, to be that good a fatherly role-model for your children is a most excellent thing, indeed.
I hear pain and confusion in you as well. I am not your counselor and can do nothing from here, however in virtually every city there are services that will help preserve the family unit. Strong families are the cornerstone of the greater community, our country and, by extension, our world. These days the family needs all the support it can get!
Thank you for writing.
- Annabelle
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