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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My wife (we are a biracial couple)and i got into an argument leading to us both getting arrested by the police at our home. I yelled and hit the wall. ( I have never - nor would i ever- lay a hand on her ) I got a disorderly conduct charge. She threatened me with a gun - so is facing an assault charge - a felony.
She is very mad that I called the police.
She is still very angry and says she wants a divorce. She blames this incident on me entirely. We are both professionals from families where violent behavior was not present. I believe we were both not using good judgment -stupid.
I love her very much. And adore her 2 girls I have helped raise since they were 1 and 3 (they are 9 and almost 11 now). I donāt want a divorce. I am going to counseling, anger management, pursuing a new job, (she would prefer I changed jobs ).- yet she seems adamant about the divorce. Says how could she stay married to someone who would do something like this? (She is angry for going to jail for 3 days, they removed the children for 3 days, so they are mad at me too) to her. if I lived here, I wouldnāt have done this.
I can have no contact with the little girls. Been sleeping on a friends couch, sleeping in my office.Haven't even been able tell them anything. Last night she told me they both girls hate me now for 'what i did', (calling the police).
In my counseling, i am told to take the blame. She, it seems, is being told that I caused this.
I don't believe in guns, donāt own any, don't want any, never did.
I am less concerned with blame. I know what I did was stupid and wrong.
More important to me is how do I keep from losing my wife and family?
I have been with this lady for a long time -longer than I was ever with anybody else.
I am willing to make changes in my behavior. She feels vindicated.
Both our mothers are dead our fathers have remarried and distanced from us.
in my counseling they ask a lot of questions - but have offered no advice so far to help with what is my main concern.
I believe my family needs me. I know I need them.
What happens in situations like this? How do I get my family back? Or is it too late? Have I messed it up too bad already?
(she says yes)
Seems I cant sleep, hardly eat, I didn't realize I knew how to cry anymore - I seem to cry several times a day now.
Is there anything I can do?
A - Dear Ed,
Well, I wasnāt there and this entire situation is a dreadful mess, (but then you knew both those things), so Iām going to assume that all is as you have related it to me. That you both now know how things CAN escalate when one or both people are under pressure may be of little consolation in such a dismal situation. Letās try to do a little sorting here. (As an aside, Iād like you to take a look at the wisdom of having a gun in the house...only you can assess that one for your particular needs, and Iām going to assume that you are now more clearly aware of the statistics on just who those guns are used against. The clarion call of Īfreedomā is one thing, balancing it against the reality of actuarial statistics, now so clearly demonstrated in your own case, may give you pause for thought.)
If all you did was yell and hit a wall, (that must have hurt), Iām sort of baffled by the Īdisorderly conductā charge......having the presence of mind NOT to hit a person while under great stress is usually rewarded. That she threatened using the gun IS a problem. Now, her ongoing anger likely stems from her very clear awareness of her having done just that very act. (Does she have a pattern of not Īowning upā to her actions?) When called to domestic disputes the police, who are, by the way, VERY aware of the danger of being called to such a scene, may have felt compelled to be Īevenhandedā in handing out Īpunishmentā. Most police are overworked and, sometimes the fallout results in less than clear assessments of a situation. Again, not having been privy to the confrontation, I donāt know what their situation was.
It sounds as if your wife is under a good deal of stress, do you have ANY idea what it could be? The reaction she is having, and her egging on the children in their behavior, indicates a possible hidden agenda........(Īhiddenā perhaps also from her.) Truth telling is a very good idea, but sometimes the Ītruthā is perceived as so fearsome, that other, Īmaskingā behaviors ensue. This dust-up was a symptom of something.
It sounds as if you and she are receiving counseling........is there a joint mediator available to the two of you? In these cases, my preference would be for each of you to have a professional with whom you are speaking and then to have joint sessions once a week or so. The children would benefit from good counseling as well. Iām not sure if I understand you correctly, but I hope Iām wrong in Īpicking upā that whatever shrink-type is involved that thereās a partisanship developing. It will do no good for an alliance to be formed between the individual and his/her psychologist if that Īallianceā is FOR the individual and AGAINST the marriage.
Thereās Īsomethingā here that Iām not getting....something is missing because this is what I call an Īunbalanced equationā. If, as I said, this situation is as described, it sounds, to me, as if the weight is going toward your wife and away from you. Thatās why I was asking if you each/both have good, non-biased mediators helping to sort this mess through. My concern is largely for the children....they are in a stage of uncritical judgment and will believe what they are told to believe.....this can bend their future abilities to see things in their true form. It is of paramount importance that they know that they are loved and, though sometimes adults have disagreements, which can be VERY serious, that those same adults have the abilities to work things through both logically and lovingly. Is there a fatherās rights group in your area? Itās been a time now since all this happened, I do hope clearer heads are prevailing. Keep in touch....
- Annabelle
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