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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My husband is a recovering crack addict. Weāve been married seven years and have started divorce proceedings twice. About two months ago, we decided to give it a Īfinal tryā. I donāt trust him.........not even to take care of our basic needs. I don't trust him to even walk around and to to friendās houses. I have caught him in lies already, and he wanders away for hours without regard to me or my feelings.
We have a five-year old that adores him, but I just donāt know how, or if, I should trust him. What is your advice?
A - Dear Worried Sick,
Well, I can only give you my opinion, which is based on study and experience with drug abusers. For one thing, they lie........always. That crack is so incredibly destructive, not only of the individual, but of families, is one of the great tragedies of our time.
That you are in pain and wish to believe him, is understandable. That your son will be devastated at the loss of his adored father is....(well, Ītragedyā doesnāt cover this one), so lets work with his incredibly disruptive loss, ok?
Now, itās NOT the munchkinās fault that dad is behaving badly......but heāll sure think that itās something HE did to cause it. Thatās just the way young children are.....most everything is self referential, that is, they think that THEY are the cause of how the world Īisā.....and he needs to understand that, just as when HE has misbehaved and got put in Ītime outā, DAD has also misbehaved and is being put in Ītime outā....(maybe permanent timeout, if the police or a drug dealer get to him first.)
Your son needs to know that he is lovable, .....that this choice of his dadās has nothing to do with him. (Yeah, right, ćWhy did daddy pick drugs over me, mommy? Why??) YOUāVE got a ton of work to do.....there is no good way Īoutā here. Your only hope is to give up on dad, put him in Ītime outā, get yourself into a support group and hug your son.....LOTS. His dadās behavior is going to, if it hasnāt already, bring down a storm of grief on both of you. Iām sorry, thatās just what drug use does.
This is where you get to be Īmamma bearā.......and where you have to be realistic. This is NOT the time to bring another man into your life, and I know, ......itās lonely out there. Your responsibility is to raise a strong young man from a frightened and lonely boy......all without losing your own sanity as well. If thereās a a good drug counseling center in your vicinity, I recommend them highly........going through this alone is tremendously unsettling.
Think for a moment, you would never let anyone from the outside world harm your child, do whatever it takes to see that you remain strong and loving so he can process his bewilderment, grief and loss and still grow to be a strong and loving individual.
- Annabelle
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