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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been involved with an Hispanic man for the past five years, (mainly sexually I might add.) He used to work for my husband in construction but hasnât in the last couple of years. He is about 34 and drinks a lot of beer daily. We have been going back and forth all this time and it really drives me crazy.
Just when I start realizing and coming to my senses that I need to forget about him and
get on with my life he will start calling my mobile phone and leaving messages that he
misses me and wants to see me. I will admit I do still have a lot of feelings for him and we both say we love each other but this man does not give me the respect that I know I deserve but itâs so hard to ignore him when he does call because of my feelings. He's pretty jealous also.
I might add that he has been married for about five years but his wife is in D.C and
doesn't want to come here to live for whatever reason and he wonât go there. I do see a therapist and he knows all this but says I am just too compassionate and trusting of this man. Plus I also have to deal with my guilt about my husband, even though we have no sex life.
Why is it that this person always finds some way to stay involved with me, such as, Îwill I help him find a vet for his dogâ, etc... I think I will do nothing and just hope that time will take care of the situation. What do you think?
A - Karen,
What do I think? Well, I think that, at 42, youâve got a 34 year old alcoholic studmuffin and very loose morals. This fellow knows youâre good for a roll in the hay, youâve chosen to cuckold your husband instead of keeping your energies inside your marriage and attending to that, your boundaries are virtually nonexistent and you allow this guy to interrupt your life.
That your therapist isnât working with you to focus on yourself and strengthen not only your boundaries but also to find what pain youâre avoiding by focusing your energies outside yourself and you marriage is something I canât address. Are good character and moral behavior not the ideal in your part of the south?
Karen, this is your LIFE..........if you go through the world letting others run it, what are YOU all about? Take a look at yourself in the mirror...WHO do you see? Youâre only halfway through this journey, THIS is how you want to be known? What have you done of value? What have YOU, Karen, contributed to the world? WHO IS KAREN?
Go read ÎThe Rules for Being Humanâ.........give this some thought.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I had sent you an e-mail about your response and then discovered that I had not even checked my e-mail yet!! I saw where it was sent last night and I wanted you to know how much I appreciated it. I know what you told me is correct because so many people have told me the same thing before. I just seem to have a hard time letting go of someone that I was intimate with and felt deeply about. I know that he is a piece of crap and I deserve much more.
I think eventually he will get the message and maybe go and find some other loser to sleep with !
A - Karen,
Thereâs an old saying about how one will persist in a behavior until one becomes Îsick and tired of being sick and tiredâ..........and thatâs what youâre doing. That you have an emotional attachment is understandable. That you understand that this Îemotional attachmentâ is a result of your persisting in the belief that youâre a Îloserâ is absolutely necessary to your moving to a different point of view.
How is it that your therapist isnât holding your feet to the fire on this one? A therapist isnât a paid companion, you know, youâre there to get some work done......and a good therapist will keep you focused on that which you are attempting to avoid. In life, you get pretty much what you Îvolunteerâ for.........!
- Annabelle
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