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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have recently found out that my husband has spent 6 hours and $150 on a telephone
chat line. He swears he was only listening, but I don't believe that and believe he was
participating in a discussion. How harmful is this to my marriage and does it make a
difference if he was just listening or participating?
A - Elizabeth,
To answer your last question first, listening and participating are not very different forms of using fantasy to make up for an unsatisfying reality. Six hours and $150 suggest more than just passing curiosity. How harmful is it to your marriage? Actually, it can be good for your marriage, if you both treat it as an occasion to sit down and talk to each other honestly about your sex life AND your marriage. If one partner finds the reality of the marriage unsatisfying, more likely than not, the other one does too.
I have no way of knowing from your letter how long you've been married, or how good you are at talking to each other about sex and marriage with honesty, and without
anger or embarrassment. This telephone incident suggests that at least one of you finds it easier to act out dissatisfaction that to talk about it face-to-face. Perhaps one of you has a much greater appetite for sex or more varied sexual tastes than the other. I doesn't have to know that. You, however, do.
There are many, many earthshaking things a couple who care for each other can do together in bed, without benefit of telephone fantasy. If you can't imagine what they are, get a copy of "The Kama Sutra" and/or Dr. Alex Comfort's "Joy of Sex." That should keep you both off the telephone for quite some time. There are also excellent videotapes on marital sex prepared by sex therapists and available through the mail.
If do-it-yourself won't work, find a good psychotherapist who specializes in couples.
This shouldn't be fatal to your marriage by any means, but neither should it be ignored.
- Annabelle
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