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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I have been married for 20 years to the same man. He use to be kind to me sometimes and tell me he loved me every once and a while. I know I can be a bitch, but he left me and came back and now he treats me bad. He has always been abusive from time to time but he would always be sorry. Now he is never satisfied with nothing I do He says he just wants peace but He shows me no kindness. He always criticizes me. He talks about my weight, me having bad breath. He doesn't desire me any more and I canât take another rejection. Of course I give as good as I take most times. I think he likes this girl, but when I confront him he says Iâm crazy. I am not blind. She is a friend of my daughterâs and she comes to my house all the time especially when he is there. He teases her and jokes around with her but he never does me anymore. I canât get out. I know I need help. We live in a small town and I want to try and fix it but I
donât know where to start.
A - A,
You cannot change his behavior, however you can change your own. Some time, when the two of you have had a, (relatively), Îgoodâ day, why not fix him a nice meal and then, after dinner ask him some questions. Men, like bears, can sometimes be grumpy until theyâre fed, so after eating may be the best time to have a conversation with him. Ask if he wants to stay married.....if there are any positive feelings between you at this point you may have a chance of rebuilding a badly abused relationship.
The best thing that the two of you could do would be to go to a good marriage counselor and spend the next couple of years reconstructing what MAY have been a good marriage.......but it will take commitment on the part of both of you. It is easy for one, or both, of a couple to seek outside solace when the relationship is as you have described it....i.e., ÎI give as good as I getâ. You see, ÎAâ, bitter words erode any relationship and, when youâve been married as long as the two of you have, youâve, essentially become Îbookendsâ........that is youâve fallen into a pattern of behavior that has hastened the downward spiral and left both of you where you now find yourself.
If he wonât join you in repairing the marriage, then you need to go to a counselor yourself...........(if even one person changes themselves, the relationship will also change.) In any case, learning to stop blaming him and feeling sorry for yourself if a good first step. When you have become a more Îintegratedâ you, you will find that you can operate more easily from a position of strength. At 38 you are still very young.......perhaps you can now see how it is that marriage at 18 may not have been in your best interests. However, you are where you are and you must work from that starting point. Itâs of little use to raise your voice or call names.......that not only deteriorates the situation further, but sets a very bad example for the children to follow.
The two of you would be well served by working with a marriage counselor to uncover what your hurts, both as individuals and as a couple, are. The situation you describe will not, without professional intervention, improve one bit. If you wish to remain married, and more happily so, find a good, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, because, left untreated...........well, things are only going to get a good deal worse.
- Annabelle
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