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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I'm 40 years and married with grown children. I've been having an affair for 4 years. I've decided to get off of the emotional roller coaster of guilt and anguish and work at putting my marriage back together.
I'm a top level executive professional and the "other man" works for me. He's in his 40's, handsome, intelligent, divorced, (twice), with children. We've grown extremely close over the last year and I actually contemplated leaving my husband to be with the other man.
I think that I would make him very happy. And, I have made him happy. He's made me happy as well, when we've been together. The problem is I don't think that he loves me "enough." I seem to always have to teach him how to resolve our differences. I have to say "I'm sorry" first. Its burdensome to have to teach someone about relationships and communication.
I've decided to quit also because I don't trust that he's 100% honest. (I know that sounds ridiculous coming from me!) Nevertheless, in this relationship, I've been very open...and vulnerable.
Isn't this a classic female thing? Two questions. Why does my head tell me one thing and my heart keeps pulling me back to this man? And, secondly, why do I think that there's something wrong with me that he can't/couldn't love me "enough?"
I miss him. It's hard to be without him. But, I think that my husband deserves better.
A - Dear Tiare,
First, congratulations on making the wise decision to put your energies into your marriage. Now, to your questions. Your Îloverâ hasnât had to go through all the Îstuffâ with you that your husband has.....lovers are always more exciting....theyâre not so Îeverydayâ you know. Hearts prefer the Îexcitingâ stuff.....and, for goodness sakes...look at where youâre living! I mean, stuck in the midwinter snows of the frozen north, youâre not! Now, get a grip here, woman.....âfeelingsâ are just that....feelings. You DONâT..ever have to act on them.
I know, being Îmatureâ can be a real drag, but itâs less costly in the long run...in time, money, and ruined marriages. Now, as to the Îcanât love me enoughâ business.....THAT needs you and a good psychologist sitting down together at least once a week for at least six months. This is coming from you....not from the outside world. Get going, good luck......and do whatâs best for you, your husband AND for your marriage.
- Annabelle
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