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Q - Dear Annabelle,
We have been wed 37 years and argued about the same things for the last 30 years.(money +sex)we have 3 married daughters,1 divorced,4 grandsons. I do not drive because of panic attacks. My husband is retired and can drive me whenever is needed.that is one of our problems.he says he feels like a chauffeur. I do not shop like any of our friends because of his arguments.when i used to drive he would argue about me being gone and spending money. He has made me feel so guilty about things that I went to see a counselor.he will not go. I feel if I give in again I will be unhappy till the day I die which might as well be soon, unless I learn how to deal with this without gong crazy. I have tried to involve him to
shop with me but he hates it .
A - Needs Marriage Advice,
Your letter seems to be asking, ãFor 30 years, my husband has been complaining about my shopping and spending money. Now, he is retired and can drive me to go shopping. So, now he complains about Îchauffeuring me around,â (in addition to complaining about my shopping and spending money.) How can I get him to change and stop complaining?ä
N/A, youâve asked the wrong question, although itâs an easy question to answer. Nothing you can do without breaking the law will make your husband change. Threatening him with grievous bodily harm might do it, but thatâs against the law, and might not work anyway. What reason does he have to change? His complaining may make you feel bad, but it makes him feel good. He feels exploited. Complaining makes him feel that heâs exercising some control over what he feels is you exploiting him. Wild horses couldnât make him give that up, and just feel that heâs a helpless victim.
Why does he feel exploited? Why do YOU feel exploited? Thatâs what your letter describes: Two people, each of whom has felt Îexploited by the otherâ for 30 years.
The time to address that question was 30 years ago. Instead of addressing it, you argued about ãthe same things, (money and sex).ä Since shortly after Adam and Eve, money and sex have been the weapons of choice for husbands and wives who felt exploited. You and your husband have a long-established habit of relating to each other through those arguments. Theyâve become your private language, and after thirty years youâve both forgotten the happier language you knew for the first seven years of your marriage. How can you re-learn it? Unless both of you want to re-learn it, itâs too late now.
But ..........you already knew that. Really, your question was, or should have been: ãHelp! Heâs retired and around the house all day. The conflict used to be tolerable when I had to deal with it only mornings, evenings and week-ends. Fighting all day every day is more than I can handle. What do I do?ä
First, give up your fantasy that your husband is going to change, or that you can find a quick fix for the marriage. As the kids say, ãIn your dreams.ä The only one you change is yourself. You write, ãI do not drive because of panic attacks,ä as though panic attacks were something everyone suffered at some point in life, like far-sightednerss or cataracts. Theyâre not. If you have been diagnosed with panic attacks,
youâre in luck. Panic attacks are not something Îseparateâ and Îdisconnected fromâ the rest of your emotional patterns. Theyâre symptoms of underlying psychological problems. They can be treated, and in the course of treating them, your psychotherapist, should be able to help you to handle other things, like the hostilities at home. N/A, you need personal advice, not marital advice. Forget marriage counseling. It only works when both partners try their best. Get your panic attacks treated. And I would say the same if your husband were as generous and gentle as Clint Eastwood in ãThe Bridges of Madison County.ä
- Annabelle
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