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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am married with 2 children ages 5 and 3 months. My husband is a good father and a
kind person but I am unhappy with our personal relationship. He is unable, or so he says, to give me what I need to be happy. I want to be taken care of by him but he doesn't know how to take care of himself. I want to be treated like a lady and given a little romance and affection, he claims he doesn't Īknow how to show this to meā. I want to explore new things in our marital bed with him but he refuses to be a part of my fantasies, (which are tame.) He says I am Īweirdā for wanting new things in our intimacy. I want to see him take care of himself, make his own appointments, pick up after himself, etc., etc. He thinks when I ask him to do something that I am trying to change the person that he is.
I feel like I am missing out on a better life with someone more sensual and with more in common with me. As a matter of fact, I have met someone that I do have very strong feelings about. I know that he also returns these feeling, we have seen each other for over a year now. He is also going through a hurtful relationship and is struggling through divorce.We have not told each other how we feel because I think we are scared of what we feel for each other at the moment,and I also feel bad knowing
that I love this man and not my husband and I guess I donāt want to voice my feelings when things are so unstable right now. I have talked to my husband so many times about this, and the 5 years we have been married this has been a constant problem for me. I feel unloved and unappreciated, I don't want to hurt my husband, (I care about him), but I also want to have fulfillment and happiness in my life. If he will not change what will I do? I have thought about counseling but he refuses to go.The only solution I can see is separation or divorce,what do you think?
A - Kelly,
I certainly do hear your sadness and frustration at this situation, but what ĪI thinkā is that youād better rethink your whole approach to this unless you think that what YOU want is more important than what your children want............and what is good for them. When you decided to bring children into the world you declined the luxury of following your Īfeelingsā about. (Having Īfeelingsā is not a bad thing as long as youāre aware that your character is shown in your ACTIONS.) Now, itās true that your actions are a lot easier to come by when they are in concert with your feelings.....again, you have children and you must do what is right by them. Itās not the munchkinās fault that you Īfeltā that you wanted to marry at 19, or that you Īfeltā that you wanted to have children. These are all normal and understandable feelings. However, when we take on the trappings of adulthood, and, especially of parenthood, then we must also step into the arena of adult responsibilities. How we behave in our lives in doing what we MUST do, because it is the right thing to do, is what marks our character.
You say that Īmy husband is a good father and a kind person but I am unhappy with our personal relationshipā. Then it behooves YOU to figure out ways to make this work out.....for ALL of you. This is the part in the wedding vows, (remember those?), that you promised to love for Īricher for poorer, in sickness and in health in good times and in badā.............and you donāt, now, get to change that unless you want to change, for all time, the way your children relate to the world and how you see yourself when you look into the mirror. I understand that youāre unhappy and, had you waited until you were older, you might have made another choice. However, THIS is the choice you made......and it is from here that you must work to make your peace with that choice.
Now, from your description of your husbandās behavior, he sounds a bit like he needs a mommy himself. This is not uncommon in immature males, but he is no more allowed to behave in a way that is detrimental to the childrenās best interests than you are. Instead of telling him what you want, how about showing him..just a little at a time. Think of your adventure as something like the little boyās in E.T. He used candy to lure E.T. to where he wanted him....you can tempt your husband to try new and different things, not by telling him what he could do differently, but, slowly, showing him all the other things that you might like. It could be that heās a little unsure sexually...(some people have very Puritanical backgrounds) and they think of even married sex as being sinful. Be a bit of a temptress....just donāt use words. That you are asking to be treated Īlike a ladyā and romanced is understandable, but......what was it that got you to marry him in the first place? He must have has something that got your attention...and, if he had Īitā then well, heās still got it.
There are several things not (quite) making sense here and I very sincerely recommend that the two of you get yourselves to a good couples counselor..and if HE wonāt go, then you go by yourself......NOT to someone who has minor schooling, or just Īopinionsā on this subject, but to a licensed marriage and family counselor who has an understanding of the things you are facing. Youāve actually been instrumental in creating some of your own obstacles.....and you can work to remove them as well....but you MUST be willing to put in the work. I KNOW this is not what you Īwantā right now.......however, in life, what we Īwantā and what we must do are not always the same things. The trick is to learn to love what we have......and to make that our lifeās passion, especially when, what we have is of our own doing.
- Annabelle
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