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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I've been married for almost 17 years. For the last 8 1/2 years I've worked as much as 20 hours a week overtime. we have 3 boys 15, 13, and 6. This last December the O.T. went away and I found myself at home more. I guess I kinda felt out of place. You have to understand, in my marriage itās always been me who's the talker,r and my wife has
always had a hard time telling me whatās wrong. I asked just Īwhat was wrongā and she's finally let it out that,t for some time now, she's stopped loving me. I've slipped into a depressed state and finally realized I needed help so I've seen a PhD like your self, and a psychiatrist who just started me on SERZONE.
The level is low and is being brought up slowly. I can seem to cope better with the situation. My question is this; my wife says she has lost all feeling for me, but wonāt agree to get or go for help for both of us. Iāve asked if thereās someone else. Sheās adamant that Īno, there isnātā, and I believe, or want to believe, her. Please tell me how i can convince her to go to marriage counseling. It's somewhat ironic that she works in the mental health field. The sadness I feel is almost overwhelming. Thank you
A - Tony,
I can feel how sad you are about this situation. Here, youāve been focused so strongly on providing for the family, and so have missed out on an active family life while doing what you thought was Īthe right thing to doā. Yours is not an unusual situation and there are a few things that may help. First, I would guess that your wife is pretty angry, though she may be somewhat unaware of it.......or maybe IS aware of it ....
at YOU for your ongoing absences. Sometimes women have an idea in their heads of how things are Īgoing to beā and, absent being able to convey that feeling and having an agreement with their husbands, the wives feel shortchanged. Your wife may feel shortchanged at raising the boys pretty much by herself...I donāt know.
Men, pretty generally, like to Īfix thingsā and you sound as if youāve taken an appropriate step. (If you want to know more about the medication go to:http://www.begin.com/redoak/medications/serzone.html). Keep in mind that, except for cases where brain chemistry has actually gotten out of kilter, (not unusual with age), serotonin enhancers are not always needed for long term use. This may be more of of a Īband aidā approach to holding the neural Ībridgeā together while the bridge itself is being strengthened or repaired. Or, it just could be that youāve a neurochemical deficit of long standing and this serotonin enhancer will simply give you the Īboostā to function at a more optimal level. Now, how this whole thing will sit with your wife has to be addressed.
That she says sheās Īfallen out of loveā with you is not irremediable. (Before she knew you, she wasnāt in love with you...that love had to develop and grow.) I would imagine, if she doesnāt want to go to a counselor with you, that you already know going by yourself and putting yourself on a corrected path will produce change all by itself. You see, in any Īsystemā, when one element changes, all of the elements must, of necessity, change as well....else the system breaks apart from being destabilized.
It took her many years to Īfall out of loveā with you, and it may take a couple or so for her to thaw out and reenter a more intimate phase. Your best shot may be at declaring a Īworking truceā with her and bonding more closely with each of your children while including her in your plans. Perhaps each of the kidlets can have a Īturnā with dad, (she gets a Īturnā too), and you can express your ongoing appreciation to your wife for how well she has done under difficult circumstances. As stressful as you have found your life in supporting the family, be aware that keeping the entire group running in an orderly and happy manner requires attributes of a wife that not all women have prepared for. ĪReal lifeā, as youāve discovered, is a fairly amazing balancing act and itās not uncommon for a woman to feel unappreciated or just plain overworked. Emotional Īburn outā can often result and needs to be attended to.
Itās entirely possible that sheās just Īnumbā all the way around...(and she wouldnāt be the first person to whom that has happened.) It would be a terrible shame if her anger canāt be ameliorated during this time of your realization at what has happened to your marriage and life together. That you are working with a PhD is commendable....just be prepared to work very hard and go through some pretty strong stuff. Thatās where personal growth comes from.
You mention that your wife works in the Īmental health fieldā......thatās interesting and has implications in itself. Itās just possible that she IS really angry with you , I donāt know. In her field she must be aware how an ongoing difficult marriage impacts badly on the children. One of the benefits of this time will be the childrenās seeing how two adults, (their role models for THEIR lives), work through difficult times and into the sun again. It could be that, seeing the change in you, she feels SHE now Īholds the powerā and sheās getting back at you for perceived neglect, much as a child might towards a parent who has just returned from a very long absence. This could be a typical Ītwo year olds responseā, your therapist can help you with this one.
Wooing her all over again might work...small gifts, flowers, notes. As I said, this could take a couple of years invested in having her see that you really HAVE changed. While I donāt know what your interpersonal struggles have been, avoiding anger, recriminations and name calling would be a very good idea. This is very hard on you, I know.....and itās actually destabilizing for her as well. After all, sheād gotten used to the Īgameā the way it WAS being played. This will require a new mind set. She may get past the need to punish you when she sees that you are, in fact, a different person now that you have realized the perilous situation into which the TWO of you have placed your family. Much good luck to you.
- Annabelle
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