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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am married to a wonderful man and have been with him for 8 years. We have 2 children and a very good life. Weāre not rich, but were not lacking for anything. My husband to me seems not interested any more though. I mean we make love and he's always the one to initiate it. We do things with the kids and with family members, but not allot together. BUT, he never tells me I look nice, he never tells me heās proud of me for things I accomplish. Everything just seems to not bother him or interest him about me or my children. I feel horrible, even though I know he loves me.
I now have a male friend with whom I feel very close to. We have spent the night together once and made love all night. Even though I know itās wrong I canāt stop having feelings for him. We talk for hours. We tell each other everything. I canāt stop being with him, but Iām married and I don't know why Iām doing what Iām doing. I have even tried to find a good reason to get divorced, but I donāt have one.
Please help me. I have no one to talk to. I cry so much now. I hate myself.
I wait for your response..
A - Peggy,
Why youāre Īdoing what youāre doingā is just for the reasons you outlined above ....you donāt feel Īrealā contact with your husband. Youāve turned outside your marriage and have, as a result, put it into increasing jeopardy. When you were young and single you could afford to indulge yourself in many things that, as a 33 year old married woman with 2 children, you cannot afford to do.
Iād like you to think about your Īmale friendā..........he KNEW that you were married and yet allowed himself (or, more correctly, I would bet POINTED himself) to become physically, if not emotionally, involved with you. If this were a female, the person would be called a Īhome wreckerā, and a male who does it can be called any number of equally unpopular things. (By the way, most of the guys who do this kind of thing do it on a regular basis.) They look for weak, vulnerable women and say Īall the right thingsā so they can get them into bed.....itās usually an ego thing and the really sociopathic ones actually have harems of sorts. Now, the person of whom you speak may not be that extreme but, ask yourself, what kind of guy is it who would jeopardize another manās home and steal away his wife?
Peggy, lots of women feel as you do, yet Īlots of womenā donāt go down the path you have chosen. If you care about the future of your marriage I suggest you look into Marriage Encounter in your area. Iāve been told they are quite good. Itās has been rather conclusively shown that men and women have differing communication styles and your husband may just be a Īregular guyā with no real skills to tell you how much he loves and appreciates you. What do you think he would say if you told him how youāve been treating him and your marriage? (Not to mention how youāve been jeopardizing your family life).
You children are most certainly aware that Īsomethingāsā going on.....kids have a way of knowing and, having a mother behaving in such a way can devastate their lives. I know you feel all kinds of unhappy feelings, but, have they too, become sacrifices to your need to feel better about yourself? Peggy, itās no wonder you cry at night......you feel trapped and know that what you are doing is wrong. If there isnāt a Marriage Encounter group available, some individual and joint sessions with a good marriage and family therapist would be a good idea. Youāre part of a team now. Thatās just what marriage is. You must learn to get what you need, emotionally and physically, from within the family system.......you can do it...you must.
- Annabelle
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