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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I hope you can help..and reply soon...I'm 35 been married for 12 years....I never dated much do to the fact I was very shy!! I only had 3 blind dates...I met my hubby when I was 20....(I knew of him .....he used to live next to me growing up). I actually contacted him for a date. We hit it off at the time and, 3 years later, got married. I now have 2 kids, 2 and 8. The last 2 years we really had our ups and downs. We went to marriage counselor once. That helped a little, but itās gotten to the point where I am unhappy...
I feel hubby pays no attention to me. He doesn't communicate. He will make love but itās just not the same .....seems to just like to rush through it...we spend no time alone together. He says he Īis content and I am the one with the problemā. I love him but I don't know, not in the same way. I'm also upset because I have a strong desire to go out with another man. I've been on line for 7 months and talk with many different guys. Iāve never met them but it makes me want to go out and flirt even more. I am so upset about how I feel. I cry a lot lately. I feel like I'm not normal to have this feelings!
A - Dear Maureen,
You sound depressed......have you talked with your doctor? Entering into midlife can produce stresses that can complicate things. Oh, I am so tempted to tell you how to be a good lover and spice up your sex life......(he wouldnāt be able to keep out of bed with you...but that would be tacky).............anyway, feeling as you do now, youāre about to get yourself into a whole lot of trouble with this Īon lineā stuff. Stop that....now!
Iām going to assume your husband is about the same age. You have children and, absent his being a drug or abuser, a wife beater or worse, you are MARRIED. (Remember that Īfor better or worseā part?) Well, lets work on not letting it get worse. Check with your minister to see if there are marriage encounter groups in your town. I hear theyāre very good. Remember, Maureen, what your MIND believes to be true is, for all intents and purposes, true.
Now, take a look at what thoughts youāve been feeding your mind these last few months, and maybe years. You have created your own reality through your thoughts and your actions. You have what you have, either through intent and action or through inattention and inaction. Whichever it is, you are where you are by your own doing.
How to get to a Ībetterā place? Well, take a look at the man you married. This is the guy YOU picked and, because you have children and you care about how THEY grow up, this is the guy you can fall in love with all over again. It could be, youāve both just been lazy, I donāt know how all this came about. What I would be willing to guess has happened, is that each of you is focusing on the deficits, not adding new Īgoodā stuff to the equation ............and then being grumpy about what youāve both created.
Give all this some thought. Check with your doctor, ask him about an herb called St. Johnās wort that is rather a lovely mood enhancer. Make a plan to improve YOUR outlook on the world. Decide that for the next three months youāre going to be positive and cheerful .......(no mater WHAT), to see if restructuring your attitude is helpful. Compliment your husband occasionally on something......at least once a day. Compliment yourself as well.
Getting Īdown in the dumpsā is easy to do........getting out just takes a bit of work and determination. As President Lincoln........a depressed man with a notoriously bad marriage once said......äMost people are about as happy as they make up their minds to beä.
You CAN pull this one off.....and, when you do, (and it could take awhile to do it), you will have the thrill of accomplishment. Oh, and donāt forget to kiss the kids too...
theyāre why itās all worthwhile.
- Annabelle
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