|
|
Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am very sad about the state of my marriage. I have been married for nine years, to a very handsome, dynamic man. But, he is very selfish and irresponsible when it comes to money and family. He has a very good career, makes three figures, volunteers
time to the community. He travels continuously for his business, going to Europe, China, Mexico, all over the U.S. He is gone about 40% of the time.
He has made some very bad decisions and we have sought counseling in the past regarding these. When we married, I had a (paid for) 7 year old vehicle, which he traded in for a $30,000+ car without consulting me. Two years later, he traded that in
without consulting me for a $35,000+ leased vehicle, and two weeks later, his car caught fire and burned to the ground. He did not have insurance on it.
He bought me a diamond bracelet, pearls, earrings. I stopped that. We sought counseling, and it was agreed that I would handle the finances, and he would consult with me regarding the payments. We made the agreement that we would not incur any debt, we make a very good income. He could charge anything he wanted, (within reason), as long as the balance would be paid off in full at the end of each month.
That went along well for a few years, we reached -0- debt besides our house payment, until we had our second child. The week that I had the baby, and with my agreement, he bought his first motorcycle, around $7,000. Fine.
With the birth of the child and his traveling, I did not get out of the area for almost 1.5 years. On our first vacation 1.5 years after the birth, we went to the beach for a week. He spent the entire day, all week, looking at motorcycles, and purchased a used motorcycle, losing $$$$ on the first one. I was very disappointed in him, but eventually over looked it. You see, I have a spinal problem due to a previous car accident and have herniated discs at C5. I must be very careful, exercise daily, and there
is really no cure. Something I must live with, but motorcycling is not an activity I can participate in.
This past summer, after our annual vacation, I noticed that the credit card bills had not arrived. I asked about it, and he kept saying that he had business expenses on it and so he left it at the office, it was taken care of. After the third month had passed and I was not given the statement to pay, I called the credit card company and found out the balance was $3,000+. He said he got carried away during his travel, that there is not much to do on weekends, so he shopped, or got massages, etc.
This past month, he called at work and said he had to go out of town for the day. When he got home, he had a brand new 1999 motorcycle. As I had saw the signs he was getting antsy with his bike, I had talked to him the previous weekend, basically pleading with him to do something for the whole family, myself and two girls, 2 and 9, for the next big purchase, something we could all enjoy. He showed up three days later with the new bike.
It isn't all about money. It's about dishonesty. Lack of trust. I have always had trust in him as far as our relationship goes. The only incident that happened was about three years into our marriage. He was sent to France on business and when he got home
I noticed he had Dutch coins. I knew he had an old girlfriend in Holland. I asked him about this, I am not a dumb woman. For years he swore that he did see her. A year ago, when he was out of town, and at his request, I was looking for something in his
office, I came across some pictures of his trip to France. She was in the picture, albeit with her current husband, but still there. When I confronted him about this, he said he didn't mean to lie, but was afraid I would not understand.
I am not a jealous woman. I have a wonderful career, take care of my children, and take care of my aged mother. I am also an extremely beautiful woman, with lots of self esteem. I have always supported him in whatever he wanted to do, except for the
financial decisions. I know how to manage budgets, I am involved in investment clubs, etc. But it seems that everything I do is for nothing. After being married to him for nine years, we have $120 in savings, he spends everything that is left after paying bills, on himself. His actions send a clear message that I am not important. Perhaps because he is an orphan might have something to do with his personality, but to hurt his family this way? He will give Rotary $100, while his daughter waits two months to get a uniform because money is tight. While he travels constantly for business, when he is in town, he spends his free time helping political candidates, Rotary, etc. Not at home, while I have do do everything, besides working full time, and taking care of my mom.
What do I do? We have been in counseling twice before. And again, it isn't just about money, it's the lies. I don't know what to do, he says he is sorry, and from now on the family will come first. He has the bike of his dreams now. But I have heard that
many, many times before. I don't want to be a divorced woman. I know that it is hard on the children, hard to make it. But I could, I think I would be better off financially, because I don't really care about material things, I care about family. Just to have
some security would be nice. My family was very well off until the birth of my brother with severe disabilities. It devastated the family, and he was in and out of hospitals until his death at age 7, two years older than me. My father had his own business,
quite well off, but with the $$$$ of hospitals bills, they lost the house, business, everything. But we always had love, and happiness, if not a lot of material things. My dad always told me to work hard, take care of myself, and above all, make yourself some security, because your never know what will happen.
I simply am at a loss as to what I should do. Always says it will never happen again, AFTER the events happen.
A - Dear MB,
You donāt need me to tell you that you have a VERY serious problem. Somehow, you must have all the finances put in your name, PERIOD. That this is out of control is evident to all. He sounds as if he could use some good medical help......he may be having physical or mental problems that need attention....now.
What you are describing is grandiose sociopathy, that it stems from infant insecurity is irrelevant to the fact that the damage must somehow be addressed and controlled. The prognosis for this situation, if it is, in fact, as you have described it, is not good. You sound like a strong person and action in an appropriate direction is your best bet. Do have him checked out medically, by a psychiatrist as well as by his own physician.
If this continues no good will come of it......and to say that heās going through a Īmid life crisisā would be just plain foolish, when the damage and POTENTIAL damage is this extreme.
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
Thank you so much for your reply. I had never even heard of the words "grandiose sociopath". But in searching out the definition, what little information I could access, I take note that some of the terms may fit, I'll be doing some serious thinking in the next few weeks. Your reply helped.
Thank you, I think your website design is beautiful.
A - Dear MB,
There is a book on sociopathy,
The Mask of Sanity : An Attempt to Clarify
Some Issues About the So Called Psychopathic
Personality ~
Hervey Cleckley/ Published 1988
One of the distinguishing features is a lack of conscience, empathy or other awareness. When this is mixed with what is called a narcissistic deficit, i.e., someone who cannot be 'filled', then you have a personality who has such 'entitlement' issues that it may be as if they are a shark ..........forever forced to hunt and eat in an endless attempt to find 'food'. (Giving $$ away in an attempt to be 'loved'.) An interesting note on the sociopathic personality is that the people themselves are more often than not, very to extremely, attractive. My guess would be that, in order to attract, (for want of a better word, let's use 'prey'), that person needs to have good 'bait', i.e., the good looks.
While this may, or may not, be the case with the person you are describing, that his behavior is so intensely narcississtic, (i.e., when YOU had a baby, HE went out and bought himself a very expensive motorcycle), that he may not be motivated to change.
Epiphanies DO happen and miracles are not unheard of........seeking out the counsel of a very good psychologist to help you clarify your thoughts mightn't be the worst idea here.
- Annabelle
|
