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Q - Dear Annabelle,
I am in love with someone who loved me a few weeks back but when I took too long to leave my marriage, he went back to his ex girlfriend who uses him and treats him bad. His whole family does not like her and now he won't speak to me. Should I forget about it or should I go and see him. It has been a week and a half since I saw him and a week since we spoke which ended on bad terms.
A - Dear Karin,
The feeling about which you are speaking is NOT Īloveā. It is simply an attraction TO and a NEED to Īattachā to a person. ĪLoveā doesnāt behave badly and act in ways contrary to the Īotherāsā best interests. ĪLoveā, REAL love, causes us to act IN the Īotherāsā best interests and to act in more noble ways ourselves. What you are experiencing is Īlimeranceā..........a relatively temporary emotion that causes a good deal of mischief.
Not only are you describing a dysfunctional person, that you are attracted to him, and not to the commitment of your marital vows, says things about YOU and YOUR CHARACTER. I would be a very good idea for you to examine your values to see just why it is that you can, and are willing to, be married to a man....your husband.... and not put all your energies into that relationship.
Real Īloveā is about being your highest and best self..........look at your description of your....and his.....behavior. Does this look like nobility to you?
- Annabelle
Q - Dear Annabelle,
First of all, I thank you for the words of advice you have already sent me! Anyway, I must add that I left a lot out of my story. My husband and I have not had the ideal relationship for the past 2 years. We get along great as friends but the intimacy has gone from the relationship as a result of something we decided to do a few years back. I even moved out for 5 months and decided to try again this past May.
I am close to tears if the thought of intimacy is a possibility. It is almost like he is a brother to me now. We have been through a lot and even though he is hurt he can see why the affair with this guy happened. I do care for the other guy, he brought something to my life that had been missing for a long time. Sparkle, life emotions. Is it not fair to let my hubby find someone who can give him what he needs and lacks from our relationship? I just want to be happy and have him be happy.
I have tried and have done a lot of thinking about what I want and what I have done. Do you always suggest to stay married even if it appears to be over but their is a strong friendship bond? I don't want to hurt anymore or hurt anyone anymore. Thanks.
A - Dear Karin,
If you have no children, then, if being married to a Īgood friendā isnāt what you have in mind, well, itās not the end of the world. I do caution you, however, to take a look at YOU inner makeup......something YOU have done has brought each of these people into your life. You married your husband by YOUR choice. Everything YOU do is a result of YOUR beliefs and behaviors. YOU have created your life as it is now.
Thereās a wonderful line by, I believe, the comic George Carlin and itās sooooo true: ćHave you noticed, wherever you go, there YOU are?ä
YOU, Karin are in your life always, others are invitees into your life. This Īnewā fellow will, eventually, become..........what? Go read ćThe Rules for Being Humanä Theyāre important......and itās important for YOU to realize that YOUR life is YOUR creation. If YOU are bored with what YOUāVE created, what will your life be like next year, the year after, and ........... the year after that? Give this some thought before leaving your Īfriendā. Life can be worse than it is now..............a lot worse.
- Annabelle
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