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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My wife and I just don't seem to be on the same page together. We have 3 beautiful
children , 2 together(ages 2 1/2 and 5) and we have my 7 year old from my previous
marriage. (We have raised him together since he was a year old). I've tried talking to
her, I've even asked for a marriage counselor, to no avail!! We have hardly ANY intimate time together.
The times we do get, (about twice a month), she just doesn't seem "into it". I just don't feel that this is right seeing as she is 28 and I am 30. But when I try to talk to her she won't talk or just tells me Īnothing is wrongā and just blows me off. At one time in our relationship we split up over these issues, after we got back together she talked for a little while and the intimate time we spent together was GREAT!! But, somewhere along the line, we lost contact with each other again.
It might help you to know that when we split up, all she said was "If that's what you want to do, then o.k". She didn't even know there was a problem in our relationship even though I had tried to talk to her a year. before we separated, and warned her that we were headed down a dead end street in our marriage if we didn't do something. After that talk she still didn't pay any attention to our relationship, so I started withdrawing from her, i.e., not holding her at night when we went to bed together, etc.
Normally when we went to bed together, I couldn't keep my hands off of her, ( I couldn't help it), but I fought myself and quit it , and she still didn't notice!!!! I'm normally a really affectionate, loving, caring, squeezing,caressing kind of guy and it really pains me to be any different. My wife and I don't even hardly converse anymore, we don't fight or argue. Our relationship reminds me of the country song with the lyrics "How did you learn to fight without saying a word?" But like I said, when I try to talk to her she swears there's nothing wrong.
I'm starting to feel severely cheated. She told me when we first got together , that in her last relationship that she tried to talk to her partner but he wouldn't talk. I know her ex real well and he says that's not true.
PLEASE HELP!!!!! I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should leave her again to get her to talk again and spend REAL time with me again. If it helps any ,FOR all outward
appearances to everybody we seem to be a happily married couple.
A - Dear Haden,
There are a couple of possibilities here. One, she sounds clinically depressed. It would be helpful if she could be evaluated by a psychiatrist. (I say a psychiatrist, not because she is Īcrazyā, but that a psychiatrist is a medical doctor, competent to administer the evaluation and prescribe medication if need be. ) A psychologist would be a good bet for ongoing behavioral modification to help the communication so extremely vital to your marriage, your childrenās future and YOUR sanity.
I see by your town that you live where there is plenty of sunlight, so thatās not a factor in possible depression. It could be either brain chemistry that needs adjusting or, possibly, behavior modification could work, or..........this is just who she is. (Uh oh.......) OK, letās assume thatās what you are working with....an Īisā. You say that you gave up holding her at night......that is depriving both of you. Skin hunger and our need for skin contact is so much a part of our makeup that Iām amazed that you sound as rational as you do. What happens when you say to her, (recognizing that she doesnāt see this as a problem), ĪHoney, I need this for me!ā ...? (I mean, good sex...in all its forms......is one of the great blessings of marriage!)
You must be a very strongly focused person to be able to articulate your situation so clearly without acting out your anger and disappointment. You are to be congratulated on staying the course. You know, of course, that your children, to develop into healthy adults need two parents with good attitudes. Thatās where the psychologist, or, at the very least, a marriage counselor comes in.
You already know this is a difficult situation. Now you have a better idea how to deal with it. Much good luck to you.
- Annabelle
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